Looking Up From The Bench

Last night as I was having trouble turning off my brain, I had a few thoughts I decided I want to share. So here I am! As I was lying there with ideas swirling around my brain, I found the majority of them were fear orientated. I was specifically worried about getting injured again. My body, and those areas I’ve hurt in the past, have been so irritated lately. I simply do not know how to make it better. And then on a more macro level; I was panicked about the direction of my life, followed by the state of the world in general… No wonder I couldn’t sleep! And as I listened to these thoughts I wondered to myself, why is it so much easier to yield to fear than the faith that things will one day work out? I see that the more I focus on fear, the worse I feel, and subsequently almost end up causing those very things I’m afraid of. So, with this understanding, why do I do it? I concluded the reason is because the outcomes of my fears are predictable. If these things come true, ...

As I take steps towards furthering my dreams, I find myself in a regular internal battle of confusion. On one side, I feel excitement and hope. Exercise has been my passion since I was a small child, and I am embracing the light that for a long time was dimmed by very significant struggles. How amazing to have finally rediscovered what I once knew before the difficulty of life set in. How lucky to be in a position where I can take steps towards making this love a bigger part of my future. On the other hand, I feel sheer terror and anxiety. What if this is not the right path? Why do I possibly like this? These workouts are unbelievably hard. What if I never achieve my goals anyway? Why don’t I just want a normal day job? Will I ever feel secure? Where am I actually headed? How is this possibly going to work out? In assessing this battle, I find that the struggle I feel, “Do I actually hate this?” comes from whether I am yielding towards faith and my heart’s desire, or fear that...