INTERNAL BATTLE

As I take steps towards furthering my dreams, I find myself in a regular internal battle of confusion. On one side, I feel excitement and hope. Exercise has been my passion since I was a small child, and I am embracing the light that for a long time was dimmed by very significant struggles. How amazing to have finally rediscovered what I once knew before the difficulty of life set in. How lucky to be in a position where I can take steps towards making this love a bigger part of my future.

On the other hand, I feel sheer terror and anxiety. What if this is not the right path? Why do I possibly like this? These workouts are unbelievably hard. What if I never achieve my goals anyway? Why don’t I just want a normal day job? Will I ever feel secure? Where am I actually headed? How is this possibly going to work out?

In assessing this battle, I find that the struggle I feel, “Do I actually hate this?” comes from whether I am yielding towards faith and my heart’s desire, or fear that carries insecurities, and that feeling that maybe I’m just not good enough.

On days where I can follow the light more than the darkness I feel a difference. I love what I’m doing. I allow myself to think about possibilities and opportunities for my future. I feel motivated and excited. I feel proud of giving my best effort. I feel at peace.

Conversely, on days where my fears are at the forefront of my mind I feel discouraged. I worry I don’t have what it takes. I try to convince myself, “I don’t want this.” I compare to others and fear I will never be able to make it. And I truly question is this what I actually want? Have I gone down the wrong path?

But then I go home and I find myself still thinking about my time at the gym, both training and coaching. I look towards the next day with anticipation about what the workout may be. I find myself day dreaming about the future where all I can see clearly is my family, CrossFit, exercise, and health. And I am reminded, of course I love this. If I didn’t, I still wouldn’t be obsessing over it. I would be trying to forget it. I would be trying to escape it, not taking steps towards embracing it even further.

What I hate is my fear, self-doubt, and the bully that lives in my own head. And CrossFit, where every day sheds light on weaknesses, things to work on, and tests your fortitude and ability to keep going, can often magnify these insecurities. However, that’s probably one reason I love it. It gives me daily practice to overcome these struggles that dimmed my passion for so long.

My biggest goal is to figure out how to follow my heart more than my fear. In being able to implement this more often than heeding to my self-doubts, I know I will always be able to feel love for what I do. Even on the hard days, I will still have clarity, for my fears won’t win. And the understanding that following our heart is in the end what will lead us to be in a position where we can offer our very best to the world, will never be questioned.

While I am far from this point, I know I am closer than ever before. And each day, outside of the gym, and especially inside, I have the opportunity to work on it. For when faith is winning more than fear, I know that is when my goals and dreams will come true.