Looking Up From The Bench

I apologize for the lack of cool pictures in this post. I really need to make more of an effort to get over my insecurities and take more, at least for the blog! Anyway, today’s post is a lot of me trying to make sense of my feelings. While training about three weeks ago I felt a pop in my shoulder. I didn’t think much of it at the time but the days following I was in significant pain. After getting an MRI it has been confirmed I have a torn muscle in my rotator cuff, and need surgery. With this injury, there is a 6-12 month total recovery, similar to what I went through with my ACL in 2015. Not to dramatize this, but the only word that accurately describes how I feel is “devastated.” There are a few reasons why. First: This is my fifth significant injury in five years. A huge goal for my coach and I this year was to not get injured. And really, I don’t think we could have expected it. The weight I was using when I felt the pop was 160 pounds. I have lifted 50 pounds+ more th...

As I sit down to get out some thoughts, I am uncertain whether I will share this post on the blog. I guess I will see if anything productive comes out of it and make the decision from there. The past two weeks have been some of the most difficult in the last two years. Comparing them to injuries, eye surgeries, and significant life changes it seems to feel the worst. I cannot remember a time in recent months were getting out of bed was a struggle, where my very purpose and goals were so often internally questioned, causing me to be unable to sleep or seemingly do anything productive; despite a to-do list. I also cannot remember a time when I have fought so hard to rid myself of these feelings, self-doubts, fears, and insecurities, only to have them remain despite my best efforts. This struggle and feeling of failure has left me with a profound sense of hopelessness. Can I ever overcome the mental chink in my armor? When I reflect on the efforts I’ve taken in the last year...

Last night as I was having trouble turning off my brain, I had a few thoughts I decided I want to share. So here I am! As I was lying there with ideas swirling around my brain, I found the majority of them were fear orientated. I was specifically worried about getting injured again. My body, and those areas I’ve hurt in the past, have been so irritated lately. I simply do not know how to make it better. And then on a more macro level; I was panicked about the direction of my life, followed by the state of the world in general… No wonder I couldn’t sleep! And as I listened to these thoughts I wondered to myself, why is it so much easier to yield to fear than the faith that things will one day work out? I see that the more I focus on fear, the worse I feel, and subsequently almost end up causing those very things I’m afraid of. So, with this understanding, why do I do it? I concluded the reason is because the outcomes of my fears are predictable. If these things come true, ...