17.1 Reflection

As I sit down to get out some thoughts, I am uncertain whether I will share this post on the blog. I guess I will see if anything productive comes out of it and make the decision from there.

The past two weeks have been some of the most difficult in the last two years. Comparing them to injuries, eye surgeries, and significant life changes it seems to feel the worst. I cannot remember a time in recent months were getting out of bed was a struggle, where my very purpose and goals were so often internally questioned, causing me to be unable to sleep or seemingly do anything productive; despite a to-do list.

I also cannot remember a time when I have fought so hard to rid myself of these feelings, self-doubts, fears, and insecurities, only to have them remain despite my best efforts. This struggle and feeling of failure has left me with a profound sense of hopelessness. Can I ever overcome the mental chink in my armor?

When I reflect on the efforts I’ve taken in the last year alone to try and overcome these things, I am left with a sincere doubt regarding my ability to do so.

After my first attempt at 17.1, I was paralyzed in my ability  to improve my performance due to fear, anxiety, and unresolved inadequacies. I felt frantically alarmed. Do I want this goal? I woke up at 4 A.M. one night and had the thought, “I’d rather be injured than be going through this.” And it led to questioning every decision I have made over the past several months to facilitate this five year goal of being a competitive CrossFit athlete. It has shaken me so profoundly it feels like there is a dark cloud following me around that may never leave.

As I have reflected and wrestled with these feelings of confusion, I have been able to solidify a few beliefs, that while they are currently diminished by feelings of sadness are true. I do want to be a competitive CrossFit athlete. Since I saw my first YouTube video demonstrating the sport I knew that was the case. It was my passion and obsession before I even tried it. All life events that may have prohibited me from training left me in a state of panic, unable to follow through with them. Every decision I have made in the past year has been to facilitate this goal. And every time I have tried to stray from this sport (such as powerlifting full time) it has made me miserable, and I was not able to commit.

These are the facts. My current feelings of frank despair are nothing more than grieving for the missed opportunity to improve upon my performance in 17.1 because of an inability to trust and believe in myself. Reflecting on my first attempt at this workout, I do feel it was a solid effort. However, there were areas of improvement that I was unable to execute like I have in so many workouts past. There was a tailspin of self-doubt that I was unable to change on an internal level. And this is where I feel the feelings of depression and grief are coming from.

I have learned so much. I have recognized the importance of self-belief as it comes to achieving goals, especially in sport. Due to this realization, I have taken significant steps to become the athlete with the champion mindset. And yet, this focus on trying to improve my mental deficiencies has almost yielded the feeling that I have taken a step back in this arena. So, what does the mean?

To be honest I am not sure. Perhaps I was trying to rush a process that takes additional time in my case. Perhaps I knew I was not quite mentally there and tried to force myself to do so, recognizing the importance of this step in my training. Reflecting on experience, I respond with defiance when I feel forced. And on some level, maybe this has made my heart feel betrayed by my brain, limiting my mental resolve at this time. I cannot rush the process.

I am constantly reminding myself that this setback will feel better. Time will pass, and I will develop more understanding for why things have occurred in this manner. In six months, I will not feel this level of sadness. In fact, this experience will be contributing to my new internal self-belief that will emerge after learning what was necessary from this singular workout. On numerous occasions, I have recognized this fact to be true.

In the meantime, I must try my best at this time to yield to the small part of me that is being driven by faith. I must not make myself feel worse for this reaction and deficiency. I would never do the same to another. I must simply have faith that this experience is for a purpose, and only take actions that in guiding someone else, would help them get through it. Time will heal me, and upon being removed from the persistent sad feelings that have occurred from this experience it will yield growth. Perhaps this workout will be the catalyst guiding me towards my competitive goal that will be possible as soon as I can truly believe it is.

Until this time, I must move forward. CrossFit is about turning weaknesses into strengths. In making this weakness akin to some of my physically difficult ones, such as jumping movements, I know they can be improved. And so, this understanding is just as applicable to struggles with the mental game; even if the plan of attack is not as simple as a physical weakness. The principle is the same, and the truth that improvement is possible is an undeniable fact that despite any feelings of inadequacy, cannot be disproven.