Post Open Reflection

Writing is a form of catharsis for me that is incredibly healing. There is something special about removing thoughts from my own mind and putting them out into the world; somehow giving them less power to influence me, and feeling more supported in overcoming them. I have refrained from writing for the last couple weeks due to an inability to bring positivity, or even what I would consider a meaningful contribution to the world. I would like to attempt this today. I do not however, feel the same catharsis from taking photos. Thus, please enjoy various pictures of my cat throughout this post, as I have no new images of myself or workouts that would enhance the blog. I will work on being more consistent with these in the future!

The 2017 CrossFit Games Open has ended. The experience I had throughout this competition was remarkably more difficult than previous years. The stress and anxiety I felt, and the subsequent roller coaster of emotions I encountered throughout these five weeks made me question on a daily basis what I truly want. I ended up placing two spots below where I finished last year, further adding fuel to the difficult feelings of self-doubt that I have been trying so hard to overcome

Following the competition, I feel a sense of fatigue and emptiness. I feel discouragement and fear about the year to come. I feel confused about how to approach the things I am not good at without encountering injury. And I do not feel I can invest myself very much in training. I do not feel I can push at this time. I do however, have the desire to go through some of the motions of exercise. Anything relating to competition, or that would I would deem mentally strenuous however, I am not able to approach right now.

I think most experience a letdown of sorts after a big competition. However, my current emotional state is different than in the past, as I do not know when I will be ready to mentally invest again. When I can start to heal from some of the difficulties of the Open this year, and move through the negative stream of thoughts going through my brain, that is when I expect this occur, and the spark for training to reemerge that is necessary with my goals.

How do I get this place? I keep telling myself a big part of it is time. It truly does heal all wounds. As I become removed from the emotions of this season, I think the darkness will start to lift. It is not as though I don’t have thoughts and dreams about how to make myself into the athlete I wish to be, I just need to patient with my spirit and body to guide me.  

I saw something yesterday on Instagram that reminded of an experience that lifted my spirits. I saw a workout posted, it was Death by Clean and Jerk. Meaning the first minute you do one rep of this movement, the second minute you do two reps, and so forth until you are no longer able to finish in the minute.

I immediately had a memory of trying this workout. It was my first couple months of CrossFit. The prescribed weight for women was 95#, which at the time was a very heavy weight for me. I remember being scared to even attempt it. I then stripped the bar to 85# and 75# as well, and ended up scaling this workout to 65#. I completed maybe five rounds.

The athlete I am today who saw this workout considers 95# to be a fairly light weight. I would anticipate the me of today would last much beyond five minutes. I have a proficiency and security with the barbell, especially with this weight, that five years ago I could never have dreamed of being possible. While I am a way out from where I wish to be, I cannot ignore the vast progress I have made in every area of my fitness since discovering CrossFit. This revelation is key to my healing.

I remember the feelings I experienced five years ago around the time I tried this workout. Attempting new movements in CrossFit and seeing my progress gave me a sense of capability, empowerment, and pure joy I had not known. During this time, there was no comparison, no worry about what others thought about my efforts, or any doubt that I wanted to do CrossFit. In fact, my obsession was fast emerging. I also absolutely had a desire to compete. I dreamed about it. I watched YouTube videos daily speaking to this avenue.

I think the key to getting back to me, is going to be finding joy in reaching new heights in my fitness and in overcoming obstacles that I did not deem possible; as this was is what made fall in love with my sport. I must remove the doubts about what I truly want, and recognize that fear and darkness are the guiding principles behind these troubling thoughts. I need to as I did in the past, just focus on the workout at hand each day. I must not cast judgement on my performances, especially when I am trying to heal from a pretty negative competition experience this year. This necessity cannot be comprised. 

If I can somehow find a way to remove the thoughts that have debilitated me throughout competition, and make a plan I believe in for becoming the athlete I wish to be, I know that I will love what I’m doing again. I am not sure how to turn off my brain to achieve this. I think the key in my next phase of training is to remove expectations and just feel and enjoy the movements I’m doing. This might mean variable levels of intensity each day. However, I must approach my workouts with gentleness, and not force. This is a must to getting back to feeling like me, and experiencing the empowerment and joy that made me want to share CrossFit with others in the first place.