17.3 REFLECTION

I have so much to say regarding Open workout 17.3 I hope I can eloquently and succinctly communicate my thoughts. I have also realized I skipped addressing open workout 17.2. I will examine that effort in the coming weeks.

When 17.3 was announced, I was honestly a little disappointed. My biggest strength as far as Open movements are concerned (chest-to-bar pull-ups) was paired with an ascending weight ladder of snatches. I immediately recognized my gymnastics strength would not necessarily be showcased. And, it was not within my realm of possibility this year to successfully complete the last two weights of this ladder style workout (175# and 185#).

I also felt fear. My chest-to-bar pull up strength was used, with a few major weaknesses (wall balls, double unders) having yet to be programmed. I started doubting my ability to improve upon my performance of last year with these more difficult movements looming in the coming weeks. However, aside from these initial thoughts, what stuck out to me and those close to me, was the fourth programmed weight in this workout, 155#.

I first hit a 150# snatch in the summer of 2013. In the last three years, I have worked towards pr’ing this lift on multiple occasions. Each time I got close to being physically and mentally ready for this endeavor, I would get injured. And hence, a mental barrier was solidified. In 2016, I finally hit 152#. I got very close to 155# and subsequently tore my meniscus a few weeks later.

It was clear to everyone (including me) that my physical capacity for this movement was well beyond 155#. Leading up to the Open I had the goal of breaking this mental barrier. My coach let me attempt this weight very frequently. This is not usually how you approach maxing out on lifts. However, everyone recognized this weight had nothing to do with my physical strength, but rather mental and emotional struggles. While I could hit 150# on any one of these occasions, as well as sub-maximal lifts (90% and above) for multiple reps, I was not able to let myself snatch 155#. In fact, whenever that weight was loaded, I would jump away from the barbell when executing my attempt.

Thus, this workout was the opportunity to break this mental block. It seemed 17.3 was programmed just for me in a way. When I processed this, what initially stuck out to me was the lack of anxiety I felt regarding this physical test. I didn’t feel sick to my stomach or petrified. I didn’t feel the need to watch strategy videos or obsess over rep schemes and pacing. I knew my ability level, and what needed to happen for my best performance to occur. I felt calm. Upon examining this reaction, I have recognized a couple reasons why this was the case.

Must take more photos so I don't have to
screenshot videos!

17.3 provided a unique opportunity in that my usual difficulty comparing to other athletes, and using them as a measuring stick regarding my performance, was neutralized. I knew there was only so much I could do in this workout. I could get through 155# and that was my current ability level. There was no reason to compare, as I could not will myself to have the strength needed to keep up with the very top girls on this workout. I also recognized I had achieved my goal of returning to my pre-surgery strength level before the Open occurred, which was truly all I could do with the time I had available.

In having this usual struggle taken off the table, I also recognized (on what I feel was even a subconscious level) that if I could perform on this workout to the best of my physical ability there would be no negative feedback internally regarding my performance. There would be no bargaining regarding what I could have done better. No questioning if I actually tried my best. No beating myself up regarding possible missed reps or doubting my ability to push myself.  I would know, as well as those around me, that I gave my best effort. What a relief I felt to not have the possibility of a negative response looming.

In every workout I do, there is inevitably a less than ideal reaction from the inside. Even if I do well, I question if I somehow miscounted my reps. Or, I qualify this success with thoughts like, well this workout had my strongest movement, or I’m really short so it favored me. Or, if this workout had my weakness in it I would not have done so well. If I do poorly, the response is even worse. I think this mental struggle inevitably holds me back in workouts. If someone is going to get negative feedback regardless of their performance, it is highly unlikely they will want to give their absolute best effort. What’s the point?

17.3 provided a workout format where trying my best would be objectively observable. I knew where my capabilities lied, and if I could perform, it would be an inherently positive outcome. There would be no way for me to qualify this otherwise. There was also no pressure that I would let those around me down if I performed. Everyone (including me) would know I tried my best. And I would not have to second guess my efforts.

This test yielded what I am assessing as my proudest athletic moment to date. I finally achieved 155#, not just once, but the prescribed nine times in the workout. I even got it on the first attempt, which has never happened for me on this lift. The reason being, the above doubts, fears, and comparisons were taken away for me. I did not have to fight myself. I did not have to fear my own feedback. I did not have to worry (whether it be unfounded or not) about letting others down. My exact abilities were known, and all I had to do was let myself achieve them and I would not have to suffer my usual defeating, demoralizing feedback which yields sadness and internal dissonance day in and day out.

So, what did this workout teach me? I am limited by comparing and an inherently negative view of myself as an athlete and my efforts. While I have known this for some time, it is so helpful to have it displayed in a way that I cannot argue against. This is not to say I do not have physical attributes as an athlete I need to continue to develop. However, it does show that learning to avoid comparing and a never-ending cycle of negative feedback after everything I do in the gym, will allow me the opportunity to truly physically perform at my best.

I do not think my potential is yet known, to myself or those around me because of how pervasive my struggle with the mental game is. And 17.3 is proof of this. I think only time will tell as I continue to conquer the mental chink in my armor. At this time, it feels unnatural to do so. It feels forced and insincere. However, I recognize that in a physical sense, muscle memory is hard to break, and new movement patterns are difficult to train, especially when the weight gets heavy. The same is applicable to the mental game. Despite daily efforts to try and intervene, when the pressure gets higher, this struggle will be even more intensified. However, as I keep trying, it will get a little easier each time so next Open season I am as mentally strong as I am physically proficient. 

I am so grateful I had the opportunity to participate in 17.3 and have such a positive experience come from this workout. I think it will be instrumental in the coming year as I continue to develop as an athlete.