THE BEST BIRTHDAY PRESENT EVER!

I think most of us feel a sense of nostalgia or reflection upon an anniversary that marks a significant change in our lives. One of these occurred for me this week as my brother’s birthday took place once again on September 15^th. This year marking what would have been his 30^th birthday. This naturally brings up some emotions and there were two streams in particular I wanted to share; most of my focus on the latter.

First, I felt a sense of loss, fear, and worry about the future. What will happen as I get older? What if I am alone? What if I don’t have the help I need? He will not be here to conquer life with and has left me by myself. While I am independent in a lot of ways, I certainly rely on others maybe more than the normal person my age. So, this is scary.

I think these thoughts sometimes occur as I realize that I am experiencing more and more life without him. The memories I have of our precious times together seem more distant, not just because time has passed, but also because of how much I have changed and grown as a person. The me of today is markedly different than the sister he knew. This disconnection is strange at times. Although, the warmth and love he had for me will always remain prevalent in my heart. I can think of no better person from whom I have learned how to truly be a caring soul.

This reflection regarding our relationship brings me to what has really been on my mind as is related to his birthday. I have changed significantly from the extremely difficult period of life in which he last knew me. And I was so elated to discover that this year for the first time ever, I feel like I am living a dream. What life is supposed to be! I am in a position where I am pursuing my passion and working to make it a more integral part of my life. While this process is slow, and my life frankly lacks efficiency that on paper seems almost silly. To me it is not.

Despite having so much up in the air and changing, I have never felt such a sense of inner peace and contentment. I often wonder how I even got here. I am lucky to do what I love, namely sharing CrossFit with others and experiencing it myself, everyday. Even bad days have a silver lining so easy to see with this situation. Occasional difficult or distressing circumstances are soothed by the knowledge that I am living my passion.

I am living what many would consider a dream life. Waking up each day to do something I truly love. Not like, but genuinely feel is my purpose here, and how I can best impact others to make their lives better. And even while ironing out the logistics to make things feasible in the long-term, I am gaining more confidence that I will be able to figure it out. Because I have love of what I do on my side. And with that power, I can much more easily overcome fear and insecurities that may hold me back.

This is largely what I was contemplating as I was reflecting on Justin’s life. That vague idea that pursuing your dream really is the best strategy for your life to work out is starting to make sense. And while things aren’t perfect, this knowledge that my heart has come to know will guide me as I continue to work towards my goals. I of course wish that he was here in person to share this with me. To see me flourish in such a way. And to be able to experience it with me. I truly feel we would be great friends and lifting buddies. Although I think he would take more to powerlifting than CrossFit… J  However, I know he continues to be a part of my journey. And on this year as his birthday occurred, being who he was, that he finds my dream becoming a reality to be the best 30^th birthday present ever.