A ROUGH WEEK

I will preface this post by highlighting that in a physical sense I am doing well for being less than two weeks out of surgery! My pain is minimal and manageable. While I don’t feel normal, I really can’t imagine doing any better so soon after. I am very thankful for this and glad that my body has allowed me to resume working out and doing some of the normal activities in my daily life. I hope that it continues to heal well over the coming months.

However, emotionally this week has been difficult. There are two main reasons this is the case. One, in a sense I am still grieving the loss of my athletic season for the year. I know that sounds silly. But I pour my heart and soul into training and it is my passion and a huge major purpose in my life right now. To have it be taken away again is just really tough to process. I also know this injury will impact the course of my athletic career (although hopefully in a positive way), which is extremely scary as I don’t want to give it up.

I find myself going through stages of grief. One second I’m in shock and denial that this has happened again. That I went from being in the best physical and mental condition ever, to back here watching my fitness decline. Other times, I’m bargaining wondering what I could have done differently to prevent this. And there is a constant sadness and frustration that seems to be around. I feel so emotionally volatile. Like all my defenses and strength have been stripped away and the smallest thing is just making me break down. I know that the cure for this is time. I am trying to be patient and understanding with myself but that is difficult.

The second reason for the emotional difficulty this week, are feelings that come with having an injury that is making me so much more dependent on others for the time being. I think often when something traumatic happens in our lives, it’s almost normal to go back to a time where we were in a similar situation and have those emotions resurface. Or feel like our defenses and the work we’ve put in to change a way of thinking to almost be taken away, and leave us feeling lost and confused regarding our reaction to things.

For me, growing up, a huge contributor to my mental health struggles was feeling like a burden to others. Feeling like I needed more than I could give. Not feeling capable of doing certain things. Feeling weak. A lot of this stemmed from having a visual impairment and recognizing that in certain ways I would be more dependent on others than the typical person. These feelings were extremely difficult for me and during my lowest points were a huge reason as to why I felt such hopelessness.

Over the years, I was able to work through these. I was able to recognize that I have things to offer others. I also was able to start CrossFit which helped empower me to see my strength and capability. However, it feels as though this injury has brought me back to that place. I am suddenly even more dependent on others than usual. Simple tasks like getting ready, putting on a jacket, or cooking food are a huge struggle. Getting equipment set up at the gym is rough. I also seem to be permanently concerned I am using my healing arm too much, and will somehow mess up my surgery.

A broken wing
is temporary,
I will fly again soon!

This new, even temporary dependence on others and the lack of capability I feel has pushed one of my deepest, most painful buttons. And emotionally I have not reacted well. I worked hard to overcome these feelings, and I am saddened they are around once again. I am also sad to be feeling so useless as compared to others and feeling like my presence just takes and doesn’t give.

In fact, even when people are so nice to help me that seems to make me feel even worse. I had a friend highlight how much people like helping me, and how much they appreciate me and what I contribute to them. And with my reaction you would have thought she had said something horrible to me. I know this a temporary state for me which I am thankful about. And I know I am offering what I can during this difficult time and I wouldn’t expect someone else to be doing anything different. But, with the course of my life up to this point, this injury has reminded me of such a hard time. And even though I recognize in my brain that this is not the same in anyway, emotionally I am reacting as if it is.

I am grateful for the insight I have as to what is causing such a strong emotional response for me, aside from the fact that injury would cause some emotional distress. But with this introspection I am hoping to be able to turn around some of the self-talk that has begun to surface and recognize the lack of truth it offers; so that sooner rather than later I can begin to see the real me again. What I am feeling currently and what I am attributing it to mean about me is not reality.

I am also trying to remind myself that this is the most difficult time in the healing process. In even two months I will be in a much different stage of recovery that is a lot easier to handle. I just have to get through, and take care of myself the best I can to allow me to heal as fast as my body is able.

To conclude this post, I think we can all recognize that when difficult things happen it’s easy to see ourselves in ways that may be skewed by an emotional response. And it is important to keep in the forefront of our minds that this is not necessarily true. That we all have inherent worth and something in us to contribute. And even if we don’t always “feel” that way, our value stays the same.