500 M ROW TEST AND THE POWER OF VULNERABILITY

Is the pain of this task worth it? We all think this in various stages of our life whether it be a tough school assignment, a difficult job, or in what I want to talk about today, a hard workout. During the days leading up to surgery I had an immensely challenging time seeing the value in pushing myself or doing really uncomfortable workouts. I was very aware of the fact that any progress I made prior to surgery would in a way be lost during recovery. When healing, maintaining intensity or the same level of fitness just isn’t possible, and can’t really be the main priority. No matter your best efforts, in certain ways you watch your fitness decline.

Additionally, most workouts I could do with intensity were those that I consider weaknesses, specifically rowing. I had the opportunity to maintain a great level of “cardio” while waiting for surgery thanks to brutal rowing workouts that allowed me to really push myself. The day before my rotator cuff repair I had the option to test a 500-meter row time trial. This is a complete sprint, no holding back. I know for myself as an athlete if I want to get a personal record on a row, or feel like I gave a good effort, I’m going to have to go to a place of extreme discomfort to make it happen. Rowing doesn’t come naturally to me where I could somehow pace a particular way to maybe still hit a good time. I was very aware of how this workout would physically feel.

On this day before surgery I woke up very anxious. Immediately I was naturally worried about my future, and more so about what this procedure meant for my goals as an athlete. I was scared of the days after surgery with recovery, and how this injury would influence my training, my ability to get my needs met, my relationships, and everything in my life really. I was overwhelmed to say the least. I got to the gym early as I usually do to train before I coached. I happened to be alone in the gym that afternoon and as sometimes happens I just couldn’t get myself to go for this effort. I tried a few times and quickly just had a breakdown. I felt weak for not using this last opportunity to push myself. I felt like I should be stronger. I tried not to beat myself up acknowledging that I had done really well staying in the game the best I could. I decided maybe I just couldn’t test it that day. That the anxiety of surgery was enough and the pressure of testing a benchmark for me was just over the top.

 

I did a long duration slow workout just to clear my head. As I was doing that I saw other athletes that had showed up doing their 500 m tests, which honestly inspired me a bit. I realized that ending on a fear would be a really difficult mental block that was going to be set me up perfectly to highlight my fears during recovery. I also knew if I was going to be able to approach this very scary task for me, I couldn’t do it alone. When my friend Heidi walked in I told her how nervous I was and asked if she would cheer me on and support me during my workout. She happily said yes and made me feel comforted in not going into this storm of a workout alone.

Following the class I coached I went for my PR, and I got it! I hit 1:41.3, my previous best being 1:46.2 While five seconds seems small, in such a short workout and on the rower, really every second counts. I was thrilled to PR of course, even though I recognized that this new ability would not be sustained post-surgery. But more than anything I was so relieved that I didn’t let fear win. That when I had a reason to let it, and I had SO much emotionally weighing me down that it didn’t stop me from being my best that day. Sure, it took some external help but the experience really helped me find more mental strength.

Fast forward to waking up from surgery. I felt a little nervous off the bat. I was worried about my training more than anything! In my head, I was thinking about my workouts and possible modifications. Totally normal thoughts upon just waking up… haha not. And immediately what came into my mind was my row from the previous day. And at that moment, one I had an idea for this blog post… And also, I saw the purpose in the pain of the workouts I had been doing. While the physical benefit won’t necessarily be sustainable right now, it is the mental benefit and the fortitude that I am working on that will help me with my comeback.

These last four weeks I have learned more than ever about how to push through when I am not feeling my best. Which as an athlete, especially in CrossFit, feeling your best is few and far between. And while I have been injured a lot before, the location of this injury allowed me to for the first time maintain intensity in workouts more than ever. Using your lower body can do that for you! The pain suddenly made sense and the days I pushed through not wanting to do workouts or feeling utterly disappointed about being injured once again at least had a purpose for me.

This experience has also highlighted the power of vulnerability. One of the hardest things about injury for me personally is feeling left out or less important, not worthwhile, things like that. A lot of people have these feelings, I think it’s joked about frequently. But before CrossFit for me, I had never ever felt like I fit in anywhere. I didn’t really have a lot of experiences being able to make friends. I was very socially scared and isolated. And finding CrossFit has allowed me to blossom. Injury prevents you from feeling that connection with others in the same way that hard workouts bond you. It makes me feel scared for sure that perhaps my value won’t be seen anymore.

However, just in my experience with Heidi, and then with the entire crew cheering me on during my row effort I’ve been able to somewhat lessen this fear. I see the amount of support I have. I was so lucky to get texts from so many people even just in the days after surgery. I also had the encounter of being able to share some of my fears and frustrations with my friend Kara regarding this injury. She gave me the space to express my troubles and heartache about the hard work not always paying off in the way I would expect. She said some extremely meaningful things to me that made me know and feel that so many people have my back and are supporting my journey. And also, that they appreciate it and genuinely like having me a part of theirs. And that this appreciation is separate from what my abilities as an athlete are at this current time.

My cat supporting me. :)

I can’t tell how you grateful I am for that conservation, and for being able to reach out to Heidi and have such a positive experience going for that row effort. I know a lot of people might think oh my goodness it’s just a workout. But for me it was my fear that I could overcome. And what I found is that vulnerability is very important in being able to overcome it. And then to wake up from surgery a bit scared, but have that experience in my head? That was an indicator that again my “why” for doing CrossFit is still alive and well.

And while I don’t know the purpose of this injury as it relates to my story. I know that perhaps it can help me understand that I am stronger than my fear, and also that I don’t necessarily need to feel alone or scared that I’m going to be without support. The evidence is such that people in my life like what I have to offer. Sure, I have unique quirks, but who doesn’t? I hope as I go through my recovery that I come out of it not only physically stronger, but mentally bulletproof from letting fear limit my potential, mentally, physically, or in relation to others.