NOT LIMITING MY POTENTIAL
I apologize for the lack of cool pictures
in this post. I really need to make more of an effort to get over my
insecurities and take more, at least for the blog! Anyway, today’s post is a
lot of me trying to make sense of my feelings. While training about three weeks
ago I felt a pop in my shoulder. I didn’t think much of it at the time but the
days following I was in significant pain. After getting an MRI it has been
confirmed I have a torn muscle in my rotator cuff, and need surgery. With this injury,
there is a 6-12 month total recovery, similar to what I went through with my
ACL in 2015.
Not to dramatize this, but the only
word that accurately describes how I feel is “devastated.” There are a few
reasons why.
First: This is my fifth significant injury in five years. A huge
goal for my coach and I this year was to not get injured. And really, I don’t
think we could have expected it. The weight I was using when I felt the pop was
160 pounds. I have lifted 50 pounds+ more than that over the course of many
years. Not to mention, I am a bench presser! An injury to the rotator cuff is
common in such an athlete. However, I have literally pressed 237 with no issue in
the past. I am very familiar with warm-up exercises for your rotator cuff due
to my bench press specialty, and implemented them daily. I was also extremely
diligent in my upper body mobility and flexibility routine since I am generally
extremely tight. So, I don’t really know why it happened to be honest, and I
don’t think anyone is at fault.
Second: As was the case with my knee problem last year, the onset
of this injury once again correlated with a time in training where I was letting
go of anxiety and fear and allowing myself to be the best I could physically. I
was enjoying training. In fact, as I mentioned in the last couple posts, I just
was smiling, alone, frequently, out of happiness for the progress I was making.
I was winning the fight against fear and
anxiety and it showed in my training. Everyone could see a difference. I
can’t tell you how frustrating it is to have this experience. It almost gives
me the message that anxiety and fear are what keep me safe. Sure, they don’t
allow me to enjoy what I’m doing or make as much progress, but at least I can do it and make some. At least I’m not hurt. It’s
hard in the rebuilding process to overcome these thoughts and the mental block
that starts to happen when injury is correlated with overcoming fear, anxiety,
and success.
Third: This “new” me I was experiencing was nothing like I had ever
felt before. I was developing (and still have) a real self-belief for the first
time ever. I felt like I was becoming a regional athlete right before my eyes.
Even if I wasn’t there physically, I was getting there mentally and therefore
the prospect of making it was greater than ever before.
Fourth: I can’t help but just feel disappointed and wonder at what
point do I get to let my hard work show? At what point do I get to have the
opportunity to be at my best? Or feel prepared for the competition I train so
hard for and sacrifice so much for? Or not feel left out? Or not feel like I’m
in a constant state of rebuilding, but am just given the opportunity to grow
further than where I’ve already been? It’s been a bumpy road, as is the case
for many athletes. It feels that when I am so close I once again have to start
over, every single year. Which brings me to the key about this blog besides
sharing my feelings.
Some notable negative thoughts I
often struggle with pertain to the fact that I’ve been in my sport (passion)
for almost six years. I am not progressing nearly as fast as someone just
starting out. And there are new, amazing, athletes coming into it every day. And
now I am injured, and may not be myself again until this time next year. How
will I ever be able to catch up? I can’t make it. I am washed up. I am a joke.
There is no way. What if I can’t overcome this? And me, who is sometimes overly
obsessive about things thinks, six years I am close to my peak. I am just not
good enough. Now, I don’t know if I will ever actually make it to regionals or
not. But what I do know is that these thoughts are really not giving me any
slack or compassion regarding my circumstances.
Every athlete has struggles. This
is a fact. But I don’t have to beat myself up and ignore the fact that I just
have had a lot for some reason. My body often tries to protect me and sometimes
it ends up getting hurt in the process. I have always known this about myself.
Stemming from when I had eye surgery when I was little, up until this day I
still see scar tissue occasionally float by. It’s just how I’m built! And that’s
okay I have a lot of other really cool things about my build. Such as my upper
body strength.
Six years of growth! |
But I can’t discount the numerous
roadblocks I have overcome when I conclude that I can’t make it because I have
already reached my potential or whatever else I tell myself. Each injury takes
time away. There is the initial trauma and onset. The waiting to get into the
doctor, then the testing. The surgery wait. The actual recover time, followed
by the rebuild. This takes months. And in the case of certain injuries, a year
or more. I can’t just look at myself and say “you’ve been doing this for this
long and so you should be here.” When
you look at the injuries I’ve had you could really say “wow I can’t believe how
far you’ve already come!” I would never judge someone else in my shoes that way.
Viewing someone else in my situation I would certainly acknowledge that they
have not given up and have continued to make progress in whatever area they
could at the time.
And that’s just it. I have progressed despite these setbacks. And especially
with my mental game being strengthened, I am not near my best or peak. My brain
has the power to take my body much further than I have gone so far. And with
that, I don’t want to throw in the towel or give in. Because I still love what I do. The happiness and peace
I feel in the gym is something I feel nowhere else. The fire and desire to
compete and find my potential is burning brighter than ever. This injury wasn’t
a sigh of relief that I finally have a reason to stop. It feels devastating
because it just means I am delayed even further and will have to fight even
harder to get where I want to go.
So, as I embark on this journey I
am just going to use me as an example for myself. I have overcome injury four
previous times, and I will do it again, one day at a time. I had a glimpse of
the Julia who has self-belief and that athlete is who I have been striving to
be, and I am becoming her! If I can be smart, and do my best to preserve the
things I can, such as the leg strength I have fought so hard for this year, I
will return better and stronger than ever.
I do believe things happen for a
reason and have often seen the reason for various injuries or other ailments. I
do not yet see it for this one. In fact currently, it just feels almost like betrayal.
How can I work so hard, and try so hard to take care of my body only to still
have this occur? But, with time I know it will make more sense and the sadness
will get better. So one day, when I am looking back on what I have accomplished, I will
see how this setback fits into the puzzle that is pursuing my dream.
This is an amazing, wonderful post and shows how deeply your faith in yourself has grown and how your purpose, destiny, and dream is your guide. As your mom, I have thought many of the same thoughts you wrote; and if there is a word to describe my feelings it was "devastated." Devastated for you, and finding myself wanting to say to someone "could you just give my kid a break/!" Then I remember how incredibly gifted and blessed you are to have body that is so resilient, and a spirit that inspires. One day, we will find meaning in this injury- we will make meaning and use it as a stepping stone towards your future. I am so proud of you and so confident in your mental game getting you through this next physical challenge. P.S. I will straighten your hair too....
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