SUPERHERO FEELINGS

I’ve been wanting to write for a couple weeks now. However, in the midst of so much unexplainable tragedy happening in our society, it was just hard to even know what to say; or make sense of things. The only thing I know for sure is that we can all use to be more compassionate, loving, and understanding of one another. And just remember to see the good that is happening around us. I wanted to share a large piece of good that has been occurring for me recently in training.

About three weeks ago a workout was programmed that I was irrationally scared of. Why I felt SUCH insecurity about this particular piece still doesn’t make much sense. I had a complete meltdown. And it was an experience where I could see and feel that I wasn’t being rational, and yet that didn’t help me feel like I had any more control over my flood of emotions.

However, this meltdown ended with me bouncing back quite well. A couple days later, I came in and a workout was programmed with heavy snatching. This movement is probably most symbolic of the fears, doubts, and anxieties that I have. And my mental block on this movement has been incredibly difficult to break. Earlier that week, I finally had a small epiphany regarding one of several reasons why I may be stuck in letting myself express my true physical ability on this movement. Just having this self-awareness was enough to help me finally break through. The way the workout was designed was perfect for me. My coach has discovered that in a format with lots of high jumping I am able to shut off brain and go for the lift. And I did just that! I hit a 2# PR at 157# and reacted as if I had just won the lottery! I was so overjoyed and it felt like a weight in my mind had been lifted.

Since that experience, I have felt like an entirely new athlete. It’s like a switch has been flipped in my mind. Breaking that mental barrier seemed to ignite a small flame of self-belief, that has helped me to suddenly be doing physically better in all realms of CrossFit whether that be weightlifting or cardio movements. And people have noticed a difference in me. Even participating in weakness workouts, those debilitating thoughts of never being good enough to reach my goals are not creeping in with a such a vengeance. I suddenly have new more coach like thoughts to replace them with about trying to keep moving, doing my best, trying my best etc. This doesn’t come naturally, but it is so much easier to implement than ever before.

To be honest I am not sure what all has contributed to this change. I think breaking that mental barrier was a big one. I think realizing and accepting that those around me appreciate and believe in me has also really helped. I somehow feel a sense of relief and calm that I have finally internalized this. I also think that recognizing I have traits that people appreciate has helped me not compare to others (as much, still a work in progress) with such a self-defeating thought process; as I recognize I have my own things that make me unique and worthy.

I have been feeling like the athlete I have been wanting to be. And I have frankly been overjoyed about it. I just sit there all the time thinking about how awesome everything feels. I am coaching, I am training, and I feel some hope about my future in both of these realms. The entire year up until this point I felt utterly discouraged. I knew I had more physically in me, but felt I would never be able to figure out how to overcome the mental struggle. I knew it was a problem, but couldn’t seem to fix it. And while it’s not perfect, something has changed for me. And due to that I feel like I have been living closer to my potential each day. And not only that, I feel love for my passion again. And not just when I am teaching about it, but when I am actually doing it myself.

I used to question daily, sometimes multiple times in workouts if I really even wanted to be an athlete because of how much fear, anxiety, and feelings of inadequacy are often brought up. And I am relieved. I have found self-belief that feels real for the first time in my life. Not some mantra I am just repeating to myself, but rather is actually within my heart. And just in the last three weeks, have been able to use this to reach new heights in my training. My goal is to continue to use this spark and grow the fire larger, so I can further overcome my fears and reach my athletic potential, whatever that may be. This new mental strength has had me feeling like a superhero, doing things I didn’t know would ever be possible for me.