WHAT I WANT MY BROTHER TO KNOW: BIRTHDAY EDITION

Recently, in an attempt to have a more positive way to relax on the train besides looking at Instagram for 45 minutes… I have been reading. I just finished a book and in the epilogue the author gave a brief “what if” situation on what would have happened had one life changing event for a specific character not taken place. It was a super interesting perspective to think about. I began to think about about my own life and events that if they had not happened would have led to well, a completely different life.

My brother loved to fish. For a birthday
present one year he went on a 72-hour
overnight fishing trip! Clearly he was
good at it. :)

One of those of course is the passing of my brother. His birthday is fast approaching on September 15. And inevitably his birthday leads to reflection and introspection. I wouldn’t necessarily say grief, as that has healed with time. But you can’t help but think what would he be doing right now? What would we be doing together? Would we be best lifting buddies?! (I think yes). I don’t think it’s all that useful to get wrapped up in this hypothetical situation that often, but on anniversaries it’s only natural to wonder. 

I think for me the sense of grief I often still struggle with are these very questions. The time we missed out on. The life we were supposed to share. I’ve been feeling this a lot lately. And honestly panicked that I’m going to die completely alone and no one will even know! These are obviously some of my own irrational fears… but I certainly miss having that person to rely on and that I thought would be there. I think these feelings have been more difficult since my injury. Injury in general is just isolating and pretty lonely. I know that if he were here he would absolutely be there for me throughout. Because he always was during the time we spent together. It definitely heightens the sadness and frustration that comes with being hurt. So that is what I have been feeling as the time of his birth and death are coming up once again.

However, besides this “what if” situation in my brain, I can’t help but reflect and recognize that my life is different and much better than I ever thought possible for me when he was here. And while I wish more than anything I could share that with him, it’s certainly great to have this knowledge. To recognize that happiness is possible (while still a work in progress) is something I never even comprehended when he was still with us. I’m pretty sure i would have laughed at the idea. In fact, not only do I now know this, but I have been able to find my passion in life and start pursuing it. This concept was impossible back then. It’s been a rough road but it’s amazing that I now know the road is worth it. 

I think that this newfound knowledge is also what has caused my general depressed mood lately. Now that I have this information I want to go after my dreams. And that is limited due to injury. I am doing what I can. But it’s still frankly funny at times that I’m injured yet again. I simply just thought this was the year! And with that, I also have an increased fear of losing the things that I want more than anything. And due to this have been generally self-conscious and anxious. I’m sure I’m great to be around haha. 

But, in hearing in the last two weeks about three deaths of those around me. My great grandmother who lived a long life and passed away at the age of 102! And then two others that went too soon due to physical and mental health concerns, I feel a sense of urgency to pursue what I want more than ever. What I am struggling with is being able to go after these things from a place of love and passion, as opposed to utter fear that I won’t have the positive influence on the world that I want to have during my time here. Or never fulfill my dreams. 

Always helping me from the very
beginning!

I’m not really sure how to make this switch. I was motivated entirely by fear for so long. This is a completely new concept for me. But in celebrating Justin’s birthday yet again without him, I think what I want him to know is that I have the strength to figure it out. I wouldn’t say I was strong when he was here, but now I am (or getting stronger). And I think he’d be extremely proud of that. I wish he could be here to see the change in me that I have seen thus far. Because even though I feel pretty stuck and frustrated, I now know that I can get through it. Whereas when he was here, I didn’t think there was possibly a way out. It’s great to have that knowledge. I’m lucky to have a sibling that cared for me the way he did. Some are not so lucky. He impacted my life tremendously in his time here. And I hope that as I continue to figure things out and pursue my passion, that I can do the same for others.