BEYOND THANKFUL: 16.2

So, I guess for the next five weeks it can be expected that all my blog posts will be about the CrossFit Games Open, since it pretty much consumes my life. But that’s okay I’m learning a lot! I mentioned last week the mental shift I experienced going into the first open workout. This week, I definitely feel my mental strength was lacking. And I’m disappointed in myself for that, more so than even my performance thus far (I might give it one more go on Monday). I would say the crux of this workout for me was the double-unders. In the past, this movement has been notoriously difficult. And this year, now that my lower body is good to go, I will be practicing daily! Anyway, I thought it might be cathartic for me to go through my first trials of this workout and share what I learned.

Day 1: Friday

I decided I would do this workout in my normal gym environment as opposed to a gym in the community that was a hosting a more competitive atmosphere. Since the workout was a little nerve-wracking for me and had heavy weight in it, I wanted to make sure I had a good chance to warm-up and thought the low-key atmosphere might help improve performance.

After doing so much better than expected in the first open workout, throughout the entire week, I noticed I was putting more pressure on myself to perform. I even had a mental breakdown on Wednesday while training, despite the fact that I knew I was physically depleted and trying the best I could for that day. My thoughts were more negative towards myself, and for some reason everything I did was not good enough or could have been better, or I wasn’t putting in enough effort. It was honestly annoying to me that I could turn such a positive experience into a way to then beat myself up. Especially when I knew the less pressure I put on myself, the better I do. As I mentioned, mental strength is clearly a work in progress!

Anyway, most of my concerns centered around the following thoughts:

• Now that I have done well, people have heightened expectations for me.
• If I do really terrible in the rest of the workouts people will realize I’m not actually a good athlete and don’t have potential and, therefore, won’t want to support me.
• This workout was a crazy fluke, and I’m not a good athlete, and my goals are unreasonable.

So obviously, I had more fear than I liked. And I have been trying hard for the past couple days to get rid of this thinking. I know it’s not beneficial, and it is un-true. I haven’t quite figured it out yet, to be honest. My head understands everything I said last week and why I need to treat myself like I would treat someone I’m coaching, with kindness and encouragement. But, I just can’t seem to turn my heart around to embrace that yet. I hope I figure it out soon so I can feel a little better! So anyway, as I approached the workout I knew the double-unders would be tough for me. They are a huge weakness and make me feel like I’m going to die pretty much every time they show up in a workout. I had a plan and then I started to mess up on the movement. Then I got flustered. Then I started worrying about not making my time goals. Then I wanted to give up. And that’s pretty much what I did. I felt like I performed below my ability level for the workout. I was saddened that this happened. I was upset I couldn’t figure out how to not put so much pressure on myself, especially knowing how much better I perform without it!

However, the positive from this experience and again an acknowledgment of my mental improvement! Last time I didn’t do well in an open workout with double-unders I was devastated after finishing. Like over the top, sobbing uncontrollably for 3-4 hours. After this workout, I was able to enjoy cheering on my friends as they conquered the workout. And I was honestly so inspired by so many of the performances I saw. It was amazing to me to see someone hit 15 unbroken toes-to-bar when they struggle with that movement. Or, to see someone push so hard on the workout that they legitimately collapsed on one of the heavy squat cleans, and then still stood back and did another one! And to judge someone who completed the whole workout scaled, hitting seven cleans at 98% of their one-rep max! These were the things I was going to use to try and help fuel my mental strength for the workout when I re-did it. To me it wasn’t about the scores people were getting, it was about pushing to their potential. I was trying to psych myself up and approach the workout the same way.

Day 2: Saturday Morning

So, I decided to re-do the workout the morning after I had done it the first time because I didn’t want to sit with the feeling of mental defeat all weekend. I slept at my friend’s from the gym, and she totally helped me get in a good mental spot to conquer the workout. I went to the gym feeling pretty good physically. I warmed up well and got to a judge a master’s athlete at our gym give 100% effort on the workout, further showing me the beauty of our sport.

How cool is it that everyone gets to have the same experience together despite his or her ability level? It’s amazing; I don’t know many other things like it. I was so fortunate to have my coach judging and supporting me. And then the workout started. I had a better plan and as such it went much smoother at the beginning than the first time. And then, the second round hit. And due to my injuries and generally tight muscles I started failing clean reps well under my one rep max. I was mentally defeated. I did not want to keep going. I was upset. I was telling myself I was right, that it was a fluke, that I’m not a good athlete, that I’m going to lose the support my gym family in pursuing my goals because they are going to know I’m not worth helping.

And then, (gosh just writing this makes me tear up), I literally sat down and had people taking off my regular shoes and putting my weightlifting shoes on for me as I sat there, out of breath, on the verge of tears, and generally feeling like death haha. And then I had them all surrounding me, being strong for me, caring so much they literally would have done the reps for me if that was allowed and pretty much carrying me through the second round so I could get to that third one. They continued to push me, and I was able to get one clean at 145# with 30 seconds left. Was it the outcome I wanted? Definitely not. Do I wish I was better? Yes. Is this going to be the year where my calves double in size from practicing double-unders so much? Absolutely. But, the support I felt and strength I gained from these relationships carried me through the workout and made this experience so worthwhile. Now as I sit here writing I feel pain in my heart, I’m not happy with myself. I have those fears lurking in the background. But I know that this experience, probably more so than the first workout of the open will benefit me in the long run. The first open workout was amazing because it opened me up to the thought that my goals were actually possible. That I could be at a high level one day, that these idols I stalk on social media, could one day be my competitors because I kept up with some of them! But this second workout will help me achieve the level of mental strength and fortitude I want and need to be truly a competitor.

And the only reason for that is because of the support of my gym community. I was literally blown away Not to be overly mushy or anything but these moments where I push my body physically and have this genuine care and love surrounding me is when I feel like I’m not even on this earth, and there is something bigger out there guiding what happens. I am so fortunate for what I experienced today. I mean to have people willing to help you while you’re dripping with sweat and change your shoes? It’s so amazing, and I am so lucky because I don’t know that a lot of people ever get to experience this.

One reason I think things like this do occur in CrossFit gyms around the world, and my friends were willing to do this for me, was because they have literally been in my shoes. They know that level of pain and feeling of defeat I was experiencing and wanted to help me overcome it. And that again is the amazing beauty of CrossFit and why I love it so much. You go through such darkness in certain workouts, but there is always light surrounding you in the community, and of course in the pursuit of being better every single day. What a necessity in this world.

So, you may be wondering why I am most likely re-doing the workout for a third time after learning so much from this experience? After all, it’s probably not the smartest thing to do athletically. It will kind of stall my training. I would say the main reason is for that mental strength and fortitude I want to have. Right now, I feel beaten down. I just ate a pizza to console myself haha. I am having these worry thoughts I’ve shared. And I want to beat this feeling. I want to show myself I am stronger than I think. I want to use this workout to practice encouraging myself and pushing myself like those around me did today. And I truly believe if I can do that, if I can get my mind where it needs to be, I can do a little bit better. And since this is my competition season this year, I need to approach every workout knowing, without a doubt, that I did the best I could. And to me this mental strength, regardless of what score I may get, is more important to me than the physical gains I may attain from doing my regularly scheduled programming on Monday.

Because I know I love training with all my heart, I know I am willing to work on my weaknesses and put in the time. What I don’t have solidly yet, is the belief in myself that I can be at the level I dream of being. Even after the last workout, I did so much better than I thought and was so shocked, I was concerned we counted my reps wrong, or measured the length of the lunges incorrectly. I kept thinking there is no way I could do that. And until I can have that change and think of myself as a high-level athlete, I will again like I said never reach my full potential, because my passion for this amazing sport will be diminished my fears. So, I will keep trying to work on this important piece of becoming the athlete I dream of being.