FINDING MY PURPOSE

Today I wanted to share something that is a little uncomfortable for me to talk about. It’s been on my mind for the last couple weeks and with all the great experiences I’ve had lately, I thought it would be a good time to bring it up.  As I mentioned in previous posts, I’ve always had a lot of anxiety; there are many reasons for this… And due to that I was  (and sometimes still am) generally scared of other people. Growing up, I didn’t really have many friends and was legitimately terrified of anyone who was a peer. It was so severe I spent some of the short time I attended normal high school hiding in the bathroom to eat lunch, too afraid to even brave the lunch room. I didn’t really ever feel like I necessarily “fit in” anywhere. Due to this extremely difficult anxiety combined with a lot of other things I had going on, there were times I didn’t really even want to be in the world and wasn’t sure what the purpose for life was.

I don’t want to focus on these dark struggles today, but rather the turn that my life has taken and the ability I finally have to recognize it!  As I’ve already noted, The CrossFit Games Open is still happening. We are just finishing up the fourth of five weeks. It has been the best experience I have ever had participating in the open in the four years I’ve been doing CrossFit. Athletically I’m doing better than I thought was even possible for this year. But more so, I am also learning a lot and working really hard on the mental toughness factor of being an athlete.

16.3

Anyway, the open is really special for a lot of reasons. One of which is that athletes at every level in CrossFit gyms all around the world get to compete in the same events as the elite athletes in the same competition. Pretty unique. But for me, the most special thing about the Open aside from people doing things they never thought were possible is the community aspect of this sport. The level of support and care individuals in CrossFit gyms around the world provide one another with these grueling fitness tests that are honestly so hard is amazing.

I shared my experience two weeks ago with 16.2 and how amazing it was to feel supported in that way. And as I’ve thought about that more and participated in two more workouts, what I realized is that one of the many reasons CrossFit is so special to me is because a CrossFit box was the first place I ever felt like I “fit in.” It’s the first place I felt somewhat comfortable. It’s the first place I realized I have friends. I feel so accepted in the gym. I never experienced anything close to the level of acceptance for who I am as I have in the gym. I felt this so strongly when I walked into the gym the other day, and numerous people said "hi" to me. They knew who I was. My experience might seem silly or dumb to a lot of people. But to me, sometimes I am still in shock that this is my life. That I have a place that feels like “home.” I never feel more myself than when I am in the gym.

And for me, this discovery is not only life-changing, but I believe life-saving. And again that may seem dumb to some, that something as silly as working out fast could have such an impact. Sometimes it even feels that way to me. But it’s provided me so many things that are necessary for a happy life that I never experienced previously.  For today, I will list three.  

First, it has provided me support, friendships, connection, and a social network where I feel comfortable. Now this is not to say I never feel nervous. All it takes is a big group function at the gym to make me uncomfortable. But even though I have that anxiety and feeling like I’m going to throw-up, I know the people there accept and care for me aside from my insecurities I am still working to overcome. And for me, this might be the most life-changing thing I have ever experienced. To “fit in” in such a way and also have the opportunity to coach others and help them feel hopefully a little of what I feel at the gym is truly a gift. I am so lucky to have found this. I don’t know anything more important in life than relationships. And I had no grasp on how great and essential they are until I experienced them in the setting of a CrossFit gym.

Second, it has provided me an analogy for life that demonstrates that it is actually worth it to go through difficult things and that in the end there are eventually great rewards for doing so. This analogy is obviously in the form of the workouts. And while there are things much more trying and difficult than CrossFit, the immediate reward for completing the tasks of a difficult workout cannot really be missed by anyone participating. When you are pushed to the point of wanting to quit and you keep going and succeed you get SO much out of it such as:

•    An overwhelming feeling of accomplishment

•    Empowerment to conquer more of life's difficulties

•    Improved physical health

•    An awesome post workout meal :)

•    Friends to connect with and share the experience

•    The experience of knowing you got a little bit better that day

16.4 Being supported by the guys
at the gym (disregard my rowing form)

And these feelings keep people coming back for more. I know for me; sometimes I question my sanity as I’m going through an especially tough workout that isn’t going well. But I think all humans really have an innate desire to be better, and to overcome hard things and become the best version of themselves and basically to live life. And this essentially mini purpose of life lesson gets to be experienced every single day. These smaller experiences help me remember that despite the struggles I am facing it is worth it to keep going. And the experience of having real friends by my side even makes the hard workout have a positive light that is easy to see. I am honestly in disbelief sometimes of the level of care and kindness I have felt in the gym, and this has been displayed even more so during the open this year.

Third, CrossFit has taught me what it’s like to feel real passion for something. When I was struggling so deeply, I never knew that there was something that existed that I could love so much it would be worth it to me to sacrifice anything for it (within reason) no matter the cost because I loved it so much. I never understood that in finding this passion I would want to share it with others so badly that I would be able to overcome such crippling anxiety to do so. I didn’t realize that discovering my passion for CrossFit would make any stressful life event worth the fight. Because there was something I loved enough to fight for. While my love for family always helped me keep going, CrossFit is something that made me want to live my life for myself. Being able to embrace this passion more over the last year has tremendously strengthened my ability to fight and continue to gain more mental strength.

So what’s funny is, like I said I walked into the gym the other day in disbelief of how my life was going. In shock that I have friends and am pursuing my dreams. And since then, I’ve been genuinely concerned that this must mean something is going to go wrong! There will be a catastrophe or I will somehow mess it up. I realize this is not exactly rational. But when you are finally experiencing what a life not run by fear can provide for the first time in 25 years, it’s a little scary. And I know as I continue not to be influenced by fear more and more, my potential will only increase because I won’t be preventing myself from achieving what I want. And this is not to say hard things aren’t happening, or that they won’t still happen. It just means that thanks to CrossFit I have the mental strength to handle these things. And not only that, but I have something worth fighting for that I want for myself. I feel so incredibly lucky to have found this passion and purpose for my life, and through that, understand what a gift life is.