WHAT I WANT MY BROTHER TO KNOW

I haven't felt much like writing lately. Partially because I keep talking about how I need to work on my mental game and continue to struggle with it. This has caused me to feel a little blue as I try and figure out how to overcome those thoughts that are making training a bit rough. So I don't really feel like I have much new stuff to report. Just battling those mental deficits holding me back still! However, something came to mind today at work that I felt like sharing.

My work is interesting. Most of the mental health appeals I write are specifically for teens in residential treatment with pretty significant mental health issues. Due to my struggles in this area I often get cases that remind me of my past. This can be tough as I'm generally much more interested in the present and future and don't like to think about the past too much. 

Today for whatever reason my case got me thinking of my brother who passed away during the height of my mental health struggles as a teenager. If you had told me this is how everything would have worked out back then, I would think our spots would be reversed right now.

However, I am here and I am pursuing my dreams and the life I want to live! Since I've been a bit discouraged about my mental weaknesses holding me back as an athlete, and in thinking about my bro, I thought I'd take the time to reflect on three positive huge changes I have only recently made that I'd want him to know and I am sure would make him super proud were he here in person to see it!

I'M PURSUING MY GOALS AND DREAMS!

During our last few years together here, I didn't have any goals or dreams. And if I did, I was much too scared to acknowledge them let alone pursue them! However, now I've found my passion in life and despite it maybe seeming a little weird to most I have been able to shape my whole life around it! Namely training in CrossFit and being able to share it with others through coaching. While I am not perfect at either of these, and feel pretty nervous sometimes, that is no longer holding me back! I am doing them anyway with faith I can improve, learn, and grow. This slow break down of my fears and insecurities has led me to experience happiness for the first time. I know he would be so impressed by what I am doing based on where I used to be!

I AM STRONG PHYSICALLY AND (GETTING THERE) MENTALLY

Usually I am at peace with all that has happened with my brother passing away. The only thing I sometimes grieve for is the experiences I missed out on being able to share with him! I'm pretty sure he would have loved lifting as much as I do. Even though I sometimes (okay a lot of times these days) don't feel strong compared to others... I am strong! And I'm getting stronger. Weightlifting and CrossFit has empowered me to find strength I had no idea was possible for someone like me who doesn't see very well and is pretty shy and a little scared of others. Not just in the physical sense because that is definitely happening! But mentally as well. Sure I feel a little stuck with my current thought patterns holding me back from being the athlete I want to be. But the progress I have made in the last year and a half alone in this area is huge. I am not the same athlete I was even two years ago. So while I am not where I want to be, I am sure he and I would both agree I am stronger than ever. I think he would have loved the opportunity for us to lift together and see my strength. Which brings me to my last thought.

I CAN BENCH 237#!

I think my brother would find it pretty awesome that his little sister can bench this much! I'm sure that is something he would definitely tell his friends. I'm sure he would have loved to bench with me too. I'm pretty sure he would have been awesome! Anyway, this whole little tidbit isn't even necessarily about my bench press number. It's more about the complete positive change I have made and continue to make. 

It's about the fact that me, the scared little sister he knew barely hanging on is now going after what she wants which just happens to be something so strength focused and empowering. 

The point of writing this more than anything is just to remind myself of where I have come from. We get so caught up in where we still need to be and fail to acknowledge our progress. I am still in shock much of the time at how life is going right now. I'm amazed it can be like this! 

So while I have hit a bit of a snag in my mental game which makes me question my goals and dreams pretty much constantly and makes me kind of depressed honestly; I can take comfort in the fact that I have grown so much. It means I have the potential to overcome these issues. I know when I can, I have the ability and drive to become the level of athlete I dream of being. So for now, while I work through this, I will trust those around me who believe in me, and trust the fact that my brother would be super proud and impressed at all I am doing.