Looking Up From The Bench

In CrossFit we teach a basic hierarchy of importance in our exercise, especially when starting out, form à consistency à intensity. Meaning our first priority is in developing proper movement patterns that will yield safety and efficiency. Second, showing up on a regular basis practicing these skills over and over again. And third, only at this point adding intensity, such as upping the weight used, racing our neighbor, or trying more advanced skills. I recently saw a post online relating this concept to life that I found particularly eye-opening. It’s no secret to any that have read this blog that I am on a quest to overcome the mental deficits I feel hold me back as an athlete and in other parts of my life. After recently completing the Open, these concerns were especially difficult. I couldn’t help but feel discouraged and hopeless by this situation. I was more focused than ever on overcoming these issues and they seemed overwhelmingly hindering the majority of the competition...

Writing is a form of catharsis for me that is incredibly healing. There is something special about removing thoughts from my own mind and putting them out into the world; somehow giving them less power to influence me, and feeling more supported in overcoming them. I have refrained from writing for the last couple weeks due to an inability to bring positivity, or even what I would consider a meaningful contribution to the world. I would like to attempt this today. I do not however, feel the same catharsis from taking photos. Thus, please enjoy various pictures of my cat throughout this post, as I have no new images of myself or workouts that would enhance the blog. I will work on being more consistent with these in the future! The 2017 CrossFit Games Open has ended. The experience I had throughout this competition was remarkably more difficult than previous years. The stress and anxiety I felt, and the subsequent roller coaster of emotions I encountered throughout...

I have so much to say regarding Open workout 17.3 I hope I can eloquently and succinctly communicate my thoughts. I have also realized I skipped addressing open workout 17.2. I will examine that effort in the coming weeks. When 17.3 was announced, I was honestly a little disappointed. My biggest strength as far as Open movements are concerned (chest-to-bar pull-ups) was paired with an ascending weight ladder of snatches. I immediately recognized my gymnastics strength would not necessarily be showcased. And, it was not within my realm of possibility this year to successfully complete the last two weights of this ladder style workout (175# and 185#). I also felt fear. My chest-to-bar pull up strength was used, with a few major weaknesses (wall balls, double unders) having yet to be programmed. I started doubting my ability to improve upon my performance of last year with these more difficult movements looming in the coming weeks. However, aside from these initial thoughts, wh...

As I sit down to get out some thoughts, I am uncertain whether I will share this post on the blog. I guess I will see if anything productive comes out of it and make the decision from there. The past two weeks have been some of the most difficult in the last two years. Comparing them to injuries, eye surgeries, and significant life changes it seems to feel the worst. I cannot remember a time in recent months were getting out of bed was a struggle, where my very purpose and goals were so often internally questioned, causing me to be unable to sleep or seemingly do anything productive; despite a to-do list. I also cannot remember a time when I have fought so hard to rid myself of these feelings, self-doubts, fears, and insecurities, only to have them remain despite my best efforts. This struggle and feeling of failure has left me with a profound sense of hopelessness. Can I ever overcome the mental chink in my armor? When I reflect on the efforts I’ve taken in the last year...

Last night as I was having trouble turning off my brain, I had a few thoughts I decided I want to share. So here I am! As I was lying there with ideas swirling around my brain, I found the majority of them were fear orientated. I was specifically worried about getting injured again. My body, and those areas I’ve hurt in the past, have been so irritated lately. I simply do not know how to make it better. And then on a more macro level; I was panicked about the direction of my life, followed by the state of the world in general… No wonder I couldn’t sleep! And as I listened to these thoughts I wondered to myself, why is it so much easier to yield to fear than the faith that things will one day work out? I see that the more I focus on fear, the worse I feel, and subsequently almost end up causing those very things I’m afraid of. So, with this understanding, why do I do it? I concluded the reason is because the outcomes of my fears are predictable. If these things come true, ...

As I take steps towards furthering my dreams, I find myself in a regular internal battle of confusion. On one side, I feel excitement and hope. Exercise has been my passion since I was a small child, and I am embracing the light that for a long time was dimmed by very significant struggles. How amazing to have finally rediscovered what I once knew before the difficulty of life set in. How lucky to be in a position where I can take steps towards making this love a bigger part of my future. On the other hand, I feel sheer terror and anxiety. What if this is not the right path? Why do I possibly like this? These workouts are unbelievably hard. What if I never achieve my goals anyway? Why don’t I just want a normal day job? Will I ever feel secure? Where am I actually headed? How is this possibly going to work out? In assessing this battle, I find that the struggle I feel, “Do I actually hate this?” comes from whether I am yielding towards faith and my heart’s desire, or fear that...

Since Thanksgiving is coming up I thought it would only be appropriate to do a post about what I am thankful for. Living where I do, with the family and other relationships that I have, there are so many things I could focus on. But, I was struck by one experience this week that I wanted to share. As my last post mentioned, I had the opportunity to go on vacation recently. It was my first chance to do so in about four years. I got to see my very best friend (the most loyal, amazing person ever) get married. I got to visit where I grew up, and see others dear to me as well. It was pretty surreal. I also got to eat whatever I wanted (no food scale for a whole week!), and of course enjoy not having to deal with some of the stressors of normal day-to-day life. It was a great trip! Rachel and me. What I was struck by however, was how I felt coming home. On the flight back I was so excited to resume to my normal routine. Specifically, return to the gym. I missed it so much! And ...