CRAZY AND DELUSIONAL???

Sometimes, I question my goals and dreams and think to myself, am I completely unreasonable and delusional in what I hope to achieve? Up until this year, I didn't even allow myself to admit I had goals because I was scared I wouldn’t achieve them. However, like I said in my first post, I'm trying to mitigate that negative belief. This new found mental strength makes me want to attack my training and all things related to CrossFit and powerlifting full force.

Ankle Injury 2013

However, this hunger to strive towards my goals without fear has been greatly deterred by injury. In 2013 I had a freak injury that left my ankle permanently immobile. In my opinion, this is the root of every subsequent injury I’ve had. The two major ones being a torn ACL (2014) and an aggravated herniated disk (2015).  In addition to the injuries, I also lost training time having two eye surgeries and dealing with vision loss at the end of 2015. Being injured literally half the time I’ve done CrossFit and powerlifting has been very difficult.

Modifying the
CrossFit Games Open 2015

Injuries are hard for everyone. You’re physically limited; you’re alone in your journey, which is psychologically difficult. In my case, you can't eat as much because you can't train as hard :). One thing I am so grateful to all my lower body injuries for is the awareness that I have a special talent for upper body lifts and bench press. When all you do is upper body workouts for months on end, and you have a coach who recognizes your talent it's a pretty great twist of fate. Moral of the story- don’t ever let an injury hold you back from training, if you stick with what you can do it will pay off in some great way.

I could talk about my injuries and the way I've trained around them for quite awhile... But today I’d like focus on my current struggle. Once my knee was healed enough after my ACL reconstruction I once again began heavy lifting.  I made powerlifting my priority to build back raw strength I lost not really using a barbell for about six months. I desperately wanted to do a full meet, which included all three powerlifts, squat, bench, and deadlift. I was so excited to be lifting again. I threw myself into training.

In October 2015, about two months before my meet I started to have significant back pain. While I can handle physical pain pretty well, I knew something was wrong. I found out I have a herniated disk that was clearly very aggravated. While many people, even top-level athletes have this injury; due to the amount of pain I was feeling and strong recommendations from my doctor, my coach and I decided I should forgo the squat and deadlift portion of the meet and just bench.

I was thrilled to still have bench (this lift is always there to make you feel better!) but at the same time was sad and disappointed. After a year of waiting for my knee to heal, followed by long, brutal hours at the gym everyday rebuilding beyond where I was, I still would not be able to participate in a full meet. I decided I would heal up the remainder of 2015 and at the beginning of 2016 after my eye surgery I would go full force into training for the future.

FAST FORWARD TO TODAY

I really like this photo because it shows
some of the intensity I feel that
people don't alway see.

I'm training for my biggest meet yet, which is the IPL Fitcon World Cup at the end of April. Following my coach’s programming, I have slowly been building training volume. However, this week my pain has only worsened. And furthermore, taking it “easy” to start makes me feel like I’m not pushing myself.  Then those thoughts return: Am I delusional? Will I ever get a chance to work towards my dreams with the mental strength I'm developing? Maybe I'm not injured; maybe I'm just not tough enough, and this is an excuse.

Intellectually, I know none of these thoughts are true, but my heart isn't always entirely convinced. The amount of sacrifice I have to make to prioritize training is more than people realize. It makes no sense to think I just don't want to do the work. I have done some pretty extreme things to be able to train, such as max out a credit card to pay for transportation.

I used to think these things were completely insane on my part! What sane person pays at minimum $10 a day just to get to the gym on a daily basis? But now I've learned to just embrace this part of myself. This obsessiveness and passion is what will carry me forward to reach my goals. Without this passion, I don't think I would have been able to stick out all the major setbacks I've had. Watching yourself regress and having to build back up over and over is so difficult. So I am grateful that I'm insanely obsessed because it's helped me keep going. 

I've been pretty discouraged since starting my new training cycle. While I'm healing my sessions are only there to maintain. And when you put your whole life into something you definitely prefer progress.  I am very lucky in all that I can do, and remembering that helps while acknowledging my struggles are still difficult. But I'm having faith in my coach and the plan we have set up. I am trying to take this time to learn to listen to my body. Sometimes my body tells me what it needs and my mind tells me I'm trying to avoid things I don't like, or I'm mentally weak, or champions don't skip steps...

But I have to remember I'm annoyingly obsessive.  I go to great lengths to train, and I will continue to do so. I know in my heart when it isn't clouded by fear, self-doubt, and the old belief that I can't be strong, that my hard work will pay off.