GETTING THERE IS HALF THE BATTLE
I’ve kind of had a recurring struggle this week and I
thought it would be super cathartic for me to share. Some people know I have a
significant amount of anxiety and there are A LOT of factors that contribute to
that. But one major one is that sometimes actions that are seemingly small or
minor for most people can often have huge consequences for me in affecting my
ability to work towards my goals. For example, a lot of people are five minutes
late from time to time. Sometimes it might throw them off in some slight way,
but oftentimes these five minutes mean virtually nothing in the scheme of their
day. For me, if I’m five minutes late I could miss the train by just two
minutes and my day could be impacted by over an hour. And furthermore, my
mistake gets thrown in my face, as I now have to wait outside in the middle of
winter while I wait for the next one. This makes it super easy for me to start
again with those thoughts that aren’t true “I’m so stupid” “I’ve ruined
everything” “I don’t I know how to do anything right” etc.
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| The majority of people in this photo have given me a ride at some point. |
I know a lot of people live in locations where they have to
catch public transportation, rely on others for rides, etc. But, I think what makes this so difficult for me is my lack of control to rectify the situation
by myself when things go wrong. I simply have to wait. I can’t just jump in my car if I miss the
train like many around where I live might do. I usually have a ride dropping me
off who I’m either paying or are super busy in their own lives. Circumstances
like this leave me feeling trapped, which is pretty much my least favorite way
to feel. It’s incredibly difficult having such a basic need be often so hard to attain. For instance, if I have to make an appointment of some
kind, it’s not just me who has to take off work. Oftentimes I’ll need one of my parents to drive me, I’ll have to pay extra money to get there, and it’s sort
of a pretty big deal and a lot of planning to just go to the doctor.
This issue lends itself to just getting things I need in
general. Every single morning this week I have woken up in need of something
that I had not realized I ran out of, or wasn’t working, or I couldn’t find. And this happens to everybody but it bothers
me even more because I’m unable to just get it myself without planning and perhaps
asking for assistance. This has a huge affect on me. Now I’m not living in a
developing country restricted from actually
being able to get my needs met, but it’s the idea I can’t meet them by
myself that is so difficult. I often notice it carrying over into my workouts
as well because I’m so hypersensitive to this “trapped” feeling. I’ve been
training for a long time so I know how to do most things myself but I often
need a spotter, or help setting up some piece of equipment etc. and sometimes I
get upset, really for no reason, but just because I’m sensitive to needing to rely on others.
Just a couple weeks ago I was distraught over needing help
to set up some chains for my bench press. No big deal for someone to help me,
but I was in tears. My friend asked what was wrong and I told her “I just hate
when I can’t do it myself.” Especially because, with this piece of equipment, I
visually just can’t see how all the chains link together and then I feel stupid
on top of everything else. But additionally, I don’t want to inconvenience
others. I often feel like I have a whole group of guys who take shifts helping me out or serving me. And they are all SO kind about it and I’m so lucky they are willing to assist me.
BENCHING WITH CHAINS IS GREAT FOR BUILDING A STRONG LOCKOUT
BENCHING WITH CHAINS IS GREAT FOR BUILDING A STRONG LOCKOUT
But it’s hard not to feel guilty because they have their own workouts, and training, and lives and they still take the time to so kindly be there for me.
One thing I do to cope with this issue of feeling anxious or
trapped about getting my needs met is simply planning to be early. This allows
me to have a bit of a buffer if something goes wrong. I also try to plan my
schedule around when is convenient for others, and that assures that if I am
asking for assistance, that they don’t feel pressured or rushed and still have
their needs met. But what’s difficult about being early, or using the wait and
see approach is that occasionally it impacts others negatively anyway. I again
am so incredibly lucky that people
are so understanding, kind, and willing to be helpful. Oftentimes they’re even willing to stall so I
don’t have to do things like stand in the cold. I’m sure this impacts the
amount of time they have in their own days.
Yesterday for example, I stayed at the gym and stretched
after my workout. Usually I wait until I see a friend who’s leaving and ask
them for a ride and try and make it work around the public transportation
schedule if possible! The train comes hourly and we arrived at the station with
about 40 minutes to spare. So I ended up waiting outside while it was snowing
for 40 minutes. And this is what I choose to do so that I can have the
kind of workouts I want. That aren’t cut short (or cutting others short from
what they want) so I just deal with it and come prepared with lots of jackets
and warm thoughts J.
But I hate that others often feel bad about this. They feel guilty I have to
wait in the cold but they have other engagements or somewhere to be, because as
they should they have their own lives! This makes me feel even worse, because
not only am I freezing but also I’m feeling bad that my issues and decisions
are negatively affecting someone else, which I certainly don’t want.
This may seem like a small thing and I am really SO
fortunate for the amount of support I receive from others to be able to do what
I want. The level of service people offer me on a weekly basis is more than I
probably even deserve. I always try and express this gratitude. But sometimes,
on the inside it causes a lot of turmoil and fuels those always annoying
thoughts that “I’m not strong” or “I’m not capable” or “All I do is negatively
affect others and get in their way.” And those are hard to silence. I’m
working everyday to quiet these thoughts and remember I have things I
contribute to relationships too, and try and help others when I can. And also
remember that for most people this
simple act of going five minutes out their way is simply that, a five-minute
glitch. Not an effort that is going to throw off the course of their entire
day and make them miss out on important things.
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| My coach and dad supporting me at a meet. |
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