FOLLOWING MY HEART

This post is going to seem a bit contradictory to my last one but since this blog is supposed to be about what actually happens in my life I needed to share. As I’ve mentioned, I have goals in both the sports of powerlifting and CrossFit. My soul goal in powerlifting thus far has mainly focused on bench press. When I was invited to do a bigger powerlifting meet in my area, I kind of took it as an opportunity I shouldn’t pass up.  After all, I kind of have a natural talent for certain aspects of that sport and it would give me a chance to compete at a higher level.  So, for the last few months I’ve been trying to make myself into a full powerlifter who just does CrossFit to stay healthy in preparation for that meet. I resided to not training for CrossFit this competition season to focus, and made this decision some time ago.

However, as the CrossFit season grew closer I was honestly miserable in training. I felt isolated, lonely, and without purpose in what I was doing. This was made a little worse by my back injury but I was having such difficulty figuring out what was going on. Why was I suddenly dreading my time at my favorite place in the world? I made this decision. I LOVE lifting heavy weights. Why was I a basket case every training session? I kept trying to console myself by thinking I could be a full time Crossfitter after the meet. That this focus on strength training would pay off in the end etc.  I felt kind of stuck because I “wasted” the last few months not focusing on CrossFit so it would be stupid to give up on my powerlifting goal now.

However, what I FINALLY figured out is that I felt trapped into training for a full meet, that I couldn’t really even fully dedicate myself to because of an injury. And I was neglecting my true love, which is definitely CrossFit. So, this week I made the decision to switch it up. I am now doing CrossFit programming, while keeping up with my bench press training, which is essentially what I was doing up until this point.  I was worried about making this decision. About feeling like I’d given up, or wasn’t tough enough to stick out, about letting people down who have been supporting me etc.

But what I now realize is that this year has been the happiest of my life, and the reason for that is because I have been working to build the life I want. To work towards those things that are dreams of mine and are somewhat terrifying. While I have a lot of insecurities, and it hasn’t been easy, it’s been working! Why make myself do something that doesn’t have my full heart behind it, just so I can be more efficient in my use of time? Or so I don't contradict myself when I’m generally a consistent loyal person?

 

I fell in love with CrossFit from the moment I learned what it was. I was obsessed with it before I even had the courage to go into an actual gym. I had a dream I won the CrossFit games before I even tried it. It has taught me what it feels like to be truly passionate about something in your life.  And to me, it’s the biggest metaphor for what life really is. You are thrown countless tasks every time you go into the gym. Sometimes, they are awesome and you dominate, building confidence and making you feel empowered. Other times you feel so demoralized and are just glad to make it through the workout. But every time you make it, you prove to yourself how strong you are. You are really working to develop all aspects of your fitness (and yourself as a person). And not only that, you have a support system around you of like-minded people all working towards the same thing. To me it’s the most fulfilling thing I could possibly be doing on this earth.

So clearly this sport that I love means a lot to me on so many levels. And I was ignoring that. I was ignoring the fact that sometimes I feel so fortunate that I get to train that I just want to cry. Or that when I’m at work I get distracted thinking about the workout or the gym.

I was trying to make myself into something I wasn’t because I set a goal for powerlifting that I realized I didn’t really want. I wanted to prove I could be “good” at all the lifts, not just bench press. I was essentially examining the sport of powerlifting, which is super specific, and viewing it as a CrossFitter, whose goal is to be good at everything, or at least not bad at anything. It’s okay if I just pursue my talent for bench press in combination with CrossFit.

I still consider myself a powerlifter. I have been blessed with a talent for bench press. It’s not a common thing. I don’t know why I have it. But not everyone is so fortunate to have something kind of special and unique and be able to have a coach to help him or her pursue it.  Sure sometimes I get upset I’m good at the “manliest” lift there is. But hey how many ladies desperately wish they had natural upper body strength? So I would be neglecting a responsibility to not pursue my training for this lift. How amazing is it to essentially be made to do something? So, I will absolutely continue to strive towards my goals in powerlifting.

And what’s so awesome is that since I’ve switched focus this week, to pursuing CrossFit in combination with my bench, all the sudden I love bench again. I hit a heavy volume set at a weight I haven’t touched in quite awhile. I felt happy when I was I was lifting. And the reason for that is that since I’ve figured out this conundrum I no longer feel powerlifting is prohibiting me from doing what I love. Rather it’s adding to it, while helping me feel more empowered and confident for those things in CrossFit I’m not really that good at.

And what I’ve also realized is that this time I had “wasted” was not a waste at all. Due to my back injury I’ve been doing a ton of single leg movements to continue to develop leg strength. Yesterday I could do a one-legged squat (pistol) consistently on my left ankle for the first time in three years since I badly injured it. The reason for that can only be attributed to that work. So if we’re ever injured, or modifying, or feeling like we’re going backwards, those things are actually making us into the athlete we want to be. I now know where my heart lies, what I really want, and feel SO motivated to achieve it because I kind of have had a lot of injuries and recognize how precious being able to train is.

Closing- The Open

So, I made the decision to pursue CrossFit full-time essentially one week before the start of our worldwide competition season. I won’t be at the regional level this year. I’ve been recovering from an injury and focusing on another sport. But that’s okay. And it feels so good for me to know that because I am able to pursue what I love again. And for me, this decision is the start of training for the 2017 season. So, I have some realistic goals set for what I’d like to achieve. And my personal goal is to attack every workout with all that I have, knowing I gave 100% effort. And trying to learn that in the end that is all any of us can do or control.

Because one thing I will need as an athlete is mental strength. And part of that mental strength I need to develop further is not comparing myself to others or beating myself up if I’m not “good” enough. Or worrying that if someone is better than me it means I’m terrible, or have no hope, or that I’m going to be replaced. I am going to accept myself where I am, knowing that is not where I intend to stay. I have the potential to grow exponentially and like I’ve mentioned I’m annoyingly obsessive so I won’t give up! And that fact is the reason I love CrossFit so much in the first place, because we can always be better than yesterday.