FAITH OVER FEAR

Usually when I tell someone who I don’t know that I do CrossFit, I get a very standard response: “CrossFit is way too hardcore for me. I could never do it…” I usually tell them that anyone can do it, regardless of age or starting fitness level, or workout history. It’s infinitely scalable and as such regardless of your bad knees or weird disc issue or whatever, it doesn’t matter, it can be done safely and help you live a healthier, and happier life. However, I can’t disagree when they say it’s hard. First because, the intensity aspect of CrossFit is what makes it yield such amazing health benefits; and therefore seem “harder” than traditional workouts where you aren’t constantly pushing to the limit of your personal potential.

And second, like I’ve mentioned, to me CrossFit is a metaphor for life and the journey isn’t easy, for anyone. And as such I wouldn’t really expect it to necessarily be a breeze because then it wouldn’t have such a profound impact on my quality of life. It wouldn’t be helping me become a better athlete and person. So, what would be the point? I spent Saturday night of this weekend watching Netflix and eating ice cream (which was great!) and it was really quite easy for me to do. However, while I enjoyed this time of relaxation doing two of my favorite activities at the same time, I didn’t come out of the experience proud of myself. I didn’t have a renewed sense of purpose and increased desire to do and be better. And if I centered my life on being able to do this easy and always fun activity, I wouldn’t be very happy.

The point I’m trying to get at and what’s been on my mind this week in relation to this is that CrossFit and the training I’m doing is hard! It’s super uncomfortable. You are constantly bombarded with things you suck at. You are almost always pushing the margins of your abilities. It tends to be physically and emotionally depleting. And not every training day is even necessarily good. But, I love it. However, I haven’t been enjoying the journey, or a large portion of my workouts and I’ve been trying to figure out why. And I think I have!

This is how my training week has gone this last little bit. I look forward to each day of training like Christmas. I have to limit myself from checking too frequently at work if it is up for the next day. I get to the gym still excited. Then I start to train. And then more often than not in the middle of working out I have an emotional breakdown. I have to literally talk to myself about how I’m trying my best. I frequently question do I even like this? What is wrong with me? I love this. And then the high intensity portion of the workout comes and I get even more distraught. And as such, I fear the intensity aspect of CrossFit, which is what makes it what it is.

And so I fear even more, do I not really like this? This is my whole life what will I do? And then I remember that I get very upset if anything gets in the way of my training. That I go out of my way to avoid anything that might hinder it. Like today for instance, I went to work for most of the day to make sure I wouldn’t get stuck late tomorrow. If I didn’t like it I’d be able to say I just want to workout for my health. I’d still get to be involved in the community in the form of coaching. Also, if I wanted to quit I’d have a reason, not a valid one, but I could say you know after this many severe injuries I think my body needs something more gentle. But I haven’t done that. In fact, every time I’m injured all I want to do is train and to feel that death-- that is the intensity of CrossFit. But, I think I’ve figured out the problem. I have been approaching all of my workouts from fear, forgetting why I’m doing them, and having no faith that my effort will carry me any closer to my goals.

I approach a lift. I get a PR (personal record), on something I’ve been trying for over a year. I do better than expected. Do I take the time to celebrate this success or tell myself good job as I might tell someone else in my situation? No. I tell myself I am not near the top-level athletes on this movement. I say I could be doing more if I wasn’t as scared and I completely discount myself.

Then, another instance, later that day. I’m getting ready to approach the high intensity portion of my workout. And again I have fear. And this fear is somewhat normal, CrossFit is hard and the workouts don’t always feel good. But I KNOW this, and yet this what I want to do. This is all I think about. So why am I approaching what I love with such dread? Even if it’s a workout that would traditionally be good for me with skills that I excel at? Because as I’m going I am not cheering myself on, I am thinking how I am not pushing hard enough. I am again comparing to an imaginary top-level athlete who has never even done the workout and guessing with no real evidence how they would do. I am constantly telling myself I am not pushing hard enough, that I’m too scared of the pain, that I’m not willing to do what it takes.  Therefore, how could I possibly enjoy the journey?

But the truth is, this fear is not fear of the pain of the workout. Because while it’s difficult, the point where I feel most like myself, and honestly most at peace in my soul is when I am training.  So, while there are those butterflies that come with a “hard” CrossFit workout, the fear is being inflicted on me by me. I don’t want to give it my best because even if I do I’ll somehow find a way to discount it or tell myself it’s not good enough. Therefore, making it next to impossible to enjoy my training journey.  My fears that I am not good enough and my goals are impossible are literally making me dread the thing I love. And as such, the passion in my heart is squelched by my fears and therefore I am probably not performing to my full potential.  

And not only am I letting this fear run most of my training but I have no faith in myself or the work I put in, or the things I have overcome. Despite the sacrifices I make, for some reason I still can’t seem to prove to myself that I have what it takes to be the level of athlete I want to be. Not even scores I have gotten in past Open workouts that show I do have potential seem to be enough when I’m in training. And this kind of thinking is clearly extremely detrimental, and it’s also false.

When I have moments of clarity where I really think about it, I know I have what it takes. But if I don’t have faith in myself and continue to be run by fear in training I will not be able to enjoy it. And not only that, but I will limit myself. I have missed a number of lifts this week. Not because I wasn’t strong enough, I know that I was. It was because I didn’t have faith in my abilities. All I was adhering to was my fear that I was not good enough. That if I hit the lift it wouldn’t matter anyway because the top girls can do 50 pounds more. So therefore, of course I’m not enjoying training. And it’s not because I don’t love it. It’s because I am deferring to fear and as such literally torturing myself in every training session. I mean sometimes I even manage to think that I’m not stretching good enough and decide to just lay there and reflect until I can gather the strength to fight the thoughts in my head.

So, I am frankly relieved to have figured this out! I love CrossFit! I don’t need to doubt it. It’s hard, and I already know that and as such it’s okay to struggle. In fact, if I wasn’t struggling I wouldn’t be doing it right. I have been told that I seem to come alive when coaching or telling someone about it, and that’s true. Because this is my passion in life and I am so lucky to have found it.

So how do I get back to loving training? How do I actually enjoy the thing I get so excited about I am literally looking forward to Monday because I get to train? I have a couple things in mind. The first is to remind myself why I do it, which is to be the best version of me, both as an athlete and person. And to remember how lucky I am to have found this passion, and how it literally saved my life and therefore I should just enjoy my training moments, knowing how lucky I am to finally be out of the darkest part of my life and into something more filled with hope and promise. Therefore, if a high intensity workout is hard and feels bad, I still know without a doubt I love this and it is 100% what I want even if in the moment I’d rather give up. And therefore, keep going, keep pushing, and keep striving to go just a little passed what my body is saying it can do. Because if my mind can do that, it will get me where I need to be as an athlete.

The second is I should have faith in my abilities and training. I should believe I can do it because I have more potential than I realize. I have a coach who programs for me, and as such if he writes it down he believes I can do it. And I trust him. So, even if I’m having a rough day and don’t trust myself, I can always fall back on that. I should approach each lift with that in mind, never with images of myself failing the lift as I tend to do.

And third, I am going to work on not placing judgments on my workouts and comparing myself to others. I am going to do what is written down to the best of my abilities and work to be happy with how I did. You can always do better, that’s the beauty of CrossFit. And again I fear (see a theme here ha-ha) if I am not beating myself up, that somehow that will make me stop wanting to strive to be my best. But that’s ridiculous, and honestly beating myself up is what is hindering me from performing to my fullest potential. This is inside me and what I want more than anything; therefore even if I am proud of myself I will still want to keep going! So I will continue to strive towards not deferring to the fear, and have faith in myself so my passion can carry me passed what I even know to be possible for me.