LOOKING AHEAD

The 2016 CrossFit Games Open has come to an end. It was by far the best experience I have ever had with this competition. I also had my highest finish ever placing 66^th in our region. This was highly unexpected on my part due to my main focus being on powerlifting for the past few months. (I’ll go into this more later). A part of me wonders if that’s why I feel like it was the best time I’ve had with The Open. There may be some truth to that. But, I think a lot of the positive feelings I gained this year came more from what I learned and what I feel like I’ve overcome.

The biggest take away I garnered from The Open this year is that mental strength, endurance, and belief in ourselves is just as important as the physical for any athlete. Sure, we can’t will ourselves to do something completely outside of our ability level.  But when we are pushing to the edge of what is possible for us, the capacity to do so lies in our heads, not our bodies. I always knew that mental game was an important part of training, but never more clearly than after what I experienced in The Open this year. I had a more difficult time with this (see post on 16.2) and I also had two really positive experiences with this, 16.1 and 16.5

16.5 was a repeat workout from the open in 2014. It is a very painful workout and when I re-did it in 2014, it is the only workout in Open history I actually did worse on the second go around. So when it was announced I made the decision I wanted to give everything I had. I wanted to perform one attempt and be proud of the effort I put in. I didn’t want to leave the gym with any doubts that I gave it my all. I was pretty nervous about this because IT IS so grueling. As I went into it I was actively trying to tell myself a couple things in my head. One that I was doing a good job and to keep moving, two it wouldn’t feel any better if I slowed down under what I was capable of, and three the mental pain of failing to meet my goal would be worse than any physical pain in that moment. I was so pleased to improve by almost two minutes from 2014, and felt like I really pushed the envelope on what I was capable of for that workout.

After 16.4 - clearly exhausted

After completing it, I was again shocked that I had improved by such a large margin. And I do recall a brief moment during the workout where I was actually concerned to be moving at a pace ahead of what I thought I was able to maintain. I had this same concern in almost every open workout. Am I going to burn out? Am I doing something wrong? Did I mess something up? Does my judge not know how to count?! And while it is nice to be surprised by your ability level, I think the lack of belief I have yet to fully develop in myself actually might have held me back a little bit. Not to say again that I could have willed myself to get a score that was outside of what I am actually capable of, but maybe I had a couple extra reps, or a few seconds here or there without that doubt squelching my full potential. It was eye opening. I know I need to believe with certainty that I am capable of becoming the caliber of athlete I want to be. Until I can do this, I will be limited. So this is something I must continue to learn and improve upon!

There were a couple of other feelings that happened after completion of the final workout. One is that I felt like I didn’t “deserve” to improve as much as I did because I had been focused on powerlifting for a few months prior. My coach pointed out to me I was still doing CrossFit workouts multiple times a week and this was ridiculous. I know I have worked so hard to battle back from injuries and setbacks and did deserve to do well and despite starting over again and again was able to be better than ever!

But I think I’ve realized this whole thing of what I deserve or don’t deserve is something I’m still struggling with in all aspects my life. Like I said, CrossFit really just is a metaphor for life anyway, clearly haha. Things are going so well right now. I’m first again just terrified something catastrophic is going to happen. And also I find myself comparing to others and their problems. Or feeling like I haven’t earned the life I’m currently living. This is also crazy when I think about it logically. I’ve battled pretty severe mental health issues since I was 12. And being able to create the life I want and work towards making it even more in-line with my dreams has been SO difficult. In fact, I’m still in shock with how things are going. But what I realize is that we really are limited by our mental strength and belief in ourselves. So, as I continue to push past fear and follow my dreams, things might be difficult but the battle will be worth it.

2# Snatch PR after almost three years,
breaking a mental barrier!

And that is what’s particular great about having such a passion for CrossFit. It gives me something worth fighting for, something that I want SO bad, that the mental health issues and general difficulties that are very real and so so hard to overcome, are worth battling. Because I have this amazing thing I care so much about. That a small part of me knows is possible. As I continue to train my body, I know my brain must learn to keep up, or it will continue to hold me back. I’ve had some mental blocks with certain lifts lately. It seems when I get close to a weight that I have done pre-injury I get scared, and bail on multiple lift attempts. And while this makes sense as I want to stay healthy and desperately don’t want to get injured. Fear has no place in achieving your dreams. Doubt only limits you. And The Open this year taught me this! It was an awesome experience.

A lot of these things about what I’ve learned and still need to work on, go hand-in-hand with what I’ve overcome. I do feel proud of myself because while my mental game isn’t where I want it to be quite yet, I have made so much progress with it. At least now I can realize my irrational thoughts J. But in all seriousness, I am mentally stronger than I have been in my entire life. I had some disappointments and struggles in the open, but I didn’t let them hold me back. I tried, and then tried again to give it my all. I kept fighting until the end. I was able to cheer others on! This may seem crazy but in the past I always wanted to do speak up and do this. I always wanted others to do well on the inside, but I was too scared to say anything. This of course left me feeling stupid and isolated, but this year I felt more apart of the amazing community aspect of this competition than ever. So while I was still neurotic, and I’m sure difficult to console at times, I know I made progress, and I think those close to me saw it too. And that means a lot to me.

So now I look to the future. And I am not letting fear hold me back when I say my goal is to make it Regionals 2017. Only the top 20 from each region are invited to go. I may fail at achieving this. But the possibility is there. I have so many weaknesses to attack, and strengths to make even better. But, most importantly, I need to continue to work on believing that I have the potential to be the athlete I want to be. And while achieving a great score on some Open workouts can help provide some “proof” my goals aren’t delusional, the real belief is only going to be able to come from inside of me. My coach actually mentioned this other day. He was telling me how when we know there’s a weakness in a workout we almost set ourselves up for it to go poorly, feel defeated before it starts, attack it with less aggression than we would for a strength, and in doing so maybe hold ourselves back from actually doing well!

So as I set some physical goals and things I need to achieve to be ready in 2017, it seems this reoccurring theme in my life never goes away. In order to achieve these physical goals, to be able to push myself to the margin of what is possible for me, I must mentally be an elite athlete. And some days will for sure be better than others. But the more I can feel in my heart that the athlete I dream of being is inside me, and embrace it, the better I will become. And in CrossFit, every single second and rep counts, so for now I will work on believing “I have the potential to go to Regionals.”