TRUST

It seems whenever I am struggling with something in my life, it keeps reoccurring in pretty much every setting until I figure it out. This can be a bit frustrating but I’m sure that’s how it is for most people. It’s like trying to ignore an itch; it just becomes more consuming until you finally scratch it. There a couple of things I wanted to talk about in relation to trust, and they may seem a bit off topic and scattered but hopefully I can wrap it all up into something somewhat cohesive.

So, the CrossFit Games Open has come to an end and training has begun for 2017, with qualifying for regionals being the goal. Just writing that statement has caused me to feel some anxiety. I didn’t even necessarily want to admit it right now as those pesky fears that my goals are completely unreasonable have been a bit strong these past couple weeks. But it’s important to keep acknowledging this goal and trying to build more confidence in myself so I can become the level of athlete I want to be! Anyway, this has caused several new, specific goals to be set in order to work towards this overarching one. As far as the sport of CrossFit is concerned, that means a lot of time focusing on addressing those weaknesses that are hindering you from being a well-rounded athlete, good at everything, terrible at nothing.  

This specific focus on weaknesses makes training for CrossFit not only a physically difficult sport, but a mentally and emotionally taxing one as well. For me, having a pretty long history of no self-confidence, or belief that I had anything good to offer, it sometimes feels especially challenging. I seem to be making this worse by comparing my biggest weaknesses to others biggest strengths. And then at the same time, when I do have a talent for an aspect of CrossFit, disregarding that as well since it’s just what I am built for. Not a very fun training environment when doing well or doing poorly is grounds to beat yourself up.

How I was making myself feel these last couple weeks!

So, it’s no surprise as I went into my new training cycle two weeks ago that I had little motivation to do what I love. Feeling like I was going to have a mental breakdown much of the time.  Further baffled by the fact that I have set my life to be able to train like I want, only to seem to be disliking it. But, it’s clear why that was the case. I was making it impossible for myself to enjoy the journey, acknowledge progress, or simply cut myself a break. I brought this to my coach when we were discussing how training was going towards those specific goals we set. 

I just have to say it’s been GREAT for me as an athlete to have such specific markers set to measure my progress, and awesome programming and plans with how to get there. I hate approaching training from a more “see and feel” perspective. While some athletes work better this way, it just makes me feel nervous since I tend to overthink things. So, being able to set up training the way I have lately takes the hindrance of sometimes thinking too much out of the equation. I have someone closely monitoring my work towards those goals, with input from me into how it’s going!  Anyway, I was expressing my frustration with myself in relation to this lack of joy I seemed to be struggling with. I got some good advice that was really in regards to the work I am doing specifically on targeting my weaknesses, but I feel it was so applicable to everything I am doing right now.

Basically it comes down to putting in time to practice those things I am not good at. If I am addressing those skills I need to improve upon to become a better athlete, they will get better. Even if I’m not always feeling 100% and therefore my effort isn’t as if I am in the biggest competition of my life. Even if the intensity I am currently putting into the workout I am doing is a bit relative, as I am exhausted from previous workouts I have done that day. This practice in different settings and workout structures over the period of an entire year is going to yield significant progress. And the beauty of this is that I have specific goals in place to check on this development throughout the journey and make sure I am not missing anything.

This may seem like a no brainer to most people, but to me this was eye opening and honestly a relief. I think I have this notion in comparing myself to the top athletes in the world. As I tend to do which is obviously super productive… Anyway, I have this expectation that they can always be their best everyday. That every workout they ever attack is with 100% intensity. That they never get tired for their last workout of the day, even if they have done two heavy lifts and another conditioning workout before that one. That I will never be at their level because I don’t have the mental strength to train like they do.

But, I seriously doubt all of these crazy things I tell myself are actually true. While we are at vastly different ability levels, they like me are just trying to do their best. They are working diligently on improving to be more well rounded. They don’t always feel good in training. They don’t leave every single workout feeling like they made no mistakes. If they did, I don’t even think they would like training anymore. The whole point of CrossFit in particular, since it is especially grueling and not always as “fun” is that you feel like you are consistently working towards being better and in a way more whole. Therefore, there is no end to this process. There is no point of complete self-actualization that occurs in this life. We are all working to be better, that’s the point. Therefore, expecting perfection doesn’t even make sense.

Being given this permission, to simply try my best and believe in my goals and myself has honestly changed everything and made me love training again. And what’s even better is that I am lucky to have someone monitoring that progress for me. Which is the awesome thing about having a coach. So I don’t have to worry. Sure I can think of things I need to make better, or improve based on what I see in myself as an athlete and of course share that! As I know how I am feeling during workouts best. But I don’t need to tell myself I am not working hard enough. I’m following the plan to reach my goals and putting in the best effort I can in all that I do. I just have to trust that plan, and trust myself a little bit more.

Trust that deep down I want to compete in CrossFit. Remember that I am not just super lazy and if I am feeling especially beat up. Or that if the weight feels heavy it’s not just “in my head”, it’s probably the fact that my body is sore. That stating what I need to modify for a workout that day doesn’t mean I’m lame and trying to avoid my weaknesses. It means I’m trying to be a good athlete in-tune with myself. The more I can trust myself, the more confidence I will develop that these extremely high goals I have set will one day be possible. So it comes down to trusting my coach, trusting my programming, putting in the time and work, and most importantly trusting myself.

This idea of trust has carried over into one other major aspect of my life that I wanted to briefly touch on, which is food! This may seem like a weird turn of events haha but this idea of eating to perform as an athlete and not worry as much about weight etc. has been a bit of challenge.  So, in meeting with my coach I was basically given permission to eat substantially more than I have been over the past couple months. This was a HUGE relief to me. I was feeling hungry, restricted, tired, depleted, and wanted to binge eat every three days. But, I’ve found with the amount I’m eating I’m constantly worried that my weight is going to go up significantly, and all the sudden I am going to get this extra food taken away. And I am terrified because I honestly love it, I am performing better, and I am mentally and emotionally more stable. This level of freedom I have been afforded is something I don’t think I needed just physically, but emotionally at this time as well.

It was again brought to my attention that do I trust my coach? Do I really think they want me to be at a less than optimal condition to achieve my goals? Of course not. So, I need to trust that despite what I tell myself, I train very very hard as an athlete. I train much more than average person, and as such my dietary needs may be a little more. And that’s great! So, it seems my weight is holding steady. And I knew I needed more food. Eating was pretty much all I thought about before. I was constantly in fear that I was going to feel hungry for a prolonged period of time. I wished there was a way I could eat as much as I felt I wanted and needed to feel emotionally stable and not feel out of control around food. And now, I have that! I can fuel to reach my athletic goals, and keep myself mentally and emotionally healthy, which will make me a much better athlete in the long run. If I had trusted myself months ago when my body was telling me this, I could have had this piece of mind already. But like I’ve been saying everything is a work in progress.

I think as a female I feel this pressure to be leaner than I am. While CrossFit is redefining what the ideal body type is for women, I have these feelings that if I looked more like a fitness model, or a top level athlete, perhaps I would get something which seems so silly as more “likes” on my instagram posts. Or free products and a million followers, and companies wanting me to represent them because of my reach. But, I have to remember that I love my sport and being an athlete first. And being the leanest I possibly can doesn’t necessarily make me the best crossfitter. And secondly, I have a unique story and perspective on my own. And it might not look the same as what the world considers to be appealing, but that’s okay. I have gone through a lot to get where I am, and just my day-to-day life to get to train the way I chose to, is sometimes pretty tough and full of sacrifices. So again, instead of discounting myself for not being 12% body fat, why I am ignoring those things that make me unique? And not believing that perhaps one day someone will be inspired by my story and want me for that. And not only just that, but recognizing the battles I face on a daily basis, are what make me strong enough to be the athlete I want to be.

Capable if I just believe in and trust myself. 

Now, you may be completely lost as to the point of this post so to bring it back to the origin of these stories, I need to trust myself. I WANT with everything I have to be a top level CrossFit athlete. I go through some tough things that others don’t always understand to be able to work towards that goal. It is not easy, and working towards a dream never is. But I am willing to do it. Therefore, I should trust my training. I should trust myself and recognize I do give the best effort I am able on a day-to-day basis. I should trust and appreciate the fact I have a coach who is ensuring I am working towards those things that make me better and not worry so much. And in conjunction with that, I should trust that eating more is going to be okay. Whether my weight is three pounds heavier than it was a month ago or not. My actions are molding me into the athlete I want to be. And despite the comparisons I make in examining my biggest flaws against others biggest strengths, I have a lot of unique gifts that make me the kind of person who has what it takes to achieve my goals. I simply have to trust that these things are true, and the rest will fall into place.