SUPER GRACEFUL

I didn’t think I wanted/had anything to say in a blog post this week. Then I started to write a short little Facebook status that I wanted to make longer and longer and realized that perhaps I do have something to write about after all.

I guess part of my hesitation with writing a post this week is that I honestly haven’t really had a very good couple of days. I wish I could say I was handling being injured again with tons of light and positivity but that hasn’t exactly been the case. I’ve kind of been all over the place. I realize that doesn’t help, and it’s kind of out of my control at this point, but I guess I’m only human and I have emotions.

In trying to identify the hardest part of this, it’s not really my drive to train that’s the issue. I don’t suddenly not want to go to the gym or just want to take it easy. It’s not the fact that I feel like I can’t back to where I was, because I’ve been through this before so I know I can and will. I think the hardest part is this time around I have 100% acknowledged that this is my dream and I’m going for it, no matter the sacrifice. And for the first time I don’t feel like that’s a problem. I don’t feel like I’m “weird” or not doing what I’m supposed to. Because it seems to me the happiest people are those that are pursuing their passion. So honestly, I just miss training and lifting weights and pushing myself to the limit SO much. Because there isn’t any hidden guilt or fear or worry that I’m a complete lunatic. I’ve just recognized that this is my passion and therefore I AM going to be a little obsessive, because this is a dream. And most people pursuing a dream that is very important to them act in a very similar way.

So, in a way I just feel stuck. I want to spend more time training. I want to spend more of my time at the gym learning, coaching, working etc. I want to be working towards my dream, and now I kind of feel like I’ve back-tracked. I feel like I spend more time sitting around at the gym or preparing to get there, or thinking about it, then actually working towards my goals. I know this is temporary. I know that in a few months I will find a way to have that and make it happen. But for the moment, there is only so much I can physically do, and I am doing it. I am trying to preserve what I can in terms of cardio and my posterior chain. I also know I am strengthening my upper body and this WILL help me in the future. And I am very grateful there are so many movements I can work on!

But, I do feel stuck. I do feel like I’m in limbo. I do feel confused about what to focus on. When something gets in the way of pursuing my dream, I start to lose my mind. It’s happened before. And, I am sure once I know the timeline for my recovery, that will be so very helpful so I can set some concrete upper body physical goals and kind of know what to expect. But for now, it’s tough.

I realized I didn't have any pictures from
 training this week to break up the text. But I thought
this was cute and applicable.

Especially knowing how close I was to breaking through some major long-time plateaus due to previous injuries. And now, as I train the best I can for now, I feel a difference in my work capacity, strength etc. And this is to be expected. But it’s hard to just feel yourself losing the hard work you put in previously and not really having any control over it. I know I am doing what I can. I know I will get it back. I know I am lucky in that I have supportive people around me to help get me there. As silly as this sounds I just had never felt so fit. I was keeping up with people on workouts that used to beat me on every single one. Even though I’ve been doing this awhile, I felt some huge breakthroughs coming since I was training consistently for the first time in a long-time. But like I said, there is some purpose and reason for this one. I’m not really sure what it is. For all I know this smaller injury is preventing me from a larger one I would have gotten. And I’m sure there’s more than that.

What I do know is that I will continue to try and pursue my dream, regardless of anything that happens. And perhaps that understanding will fuel my training in the future. Perhaps this even greater acknowledgement that this is my dream will help me overcome some of my mental weaknesses holding me back. After all, I don’t want anything getting in the way of my training, myself included. So maybe that will be a big help when I am ready to physically train again.

For now, I will continue to just try my best. I can acknowledge it’s okay to miss something I love, and just do what I can to stay involved, and feel like I am progressing in some small ways. Even if I feel regression in others. One small thing that has come to mind to help me feel like I’m progressing is just learning more about coaching and CrossFit itself. I think a good place to start is going through The Glassman Chipper. Numerous articles about CrossFit from the founder himself. There are so many things about CrossFit and coaching I know I can learn and improve and this would be an easy, worthwhile place to start while I’m commuting or just hanging out at the gym if I can’t train etc.

I wish I was handling this injury thing with a little more grace and sunshine. But I am trying, both physically and mentally to stay strong and get stronger in whatever ways I can. I just have to keep the faith and remember that eventually I will see how this fits into the story when my dreams finally do come true.